Category Archives: the conversations

toward acceptance

Posted on by

1

I took down my last post, which was about my difficult experience during college. After I published it, I started to wonder if I’d focused too much on some of the details – details that don’t really matter anymore. I’ll probably edit it and repost it someday, since it’s important to me to share where I’ve come from, especially in light of where I’m headed. But what I originally posted yesterday made me realize that there are things about that time, even now almost a decade later, that I haven’t let go of yet. And I don’t want to encourage that in myself.

The truth is, a lot of bad stuff happened in my life during my late-teens and early-twenties, and I invited, created and attracted all of it. Not intentionally, of course, but the intention doesn’t change the fact that I am responsible for the situations I found myself in and that, more importantly, I am responsible for how people treated me, even in the instances where I believed I wasn’t “at fault,” even in the instances where I believed they were wrong and their behavior was wrong and I was right and my behavior was just. Even then, I am responsible. We are all responsible for the crazy we attract into our lives.

If we don’t take thorough responsibility for our actions, not just partial responsibility, but if we don’t come to a complete acceptance that no one is to blame but ourselves for our mini-dramas or our major-dramas, we won’t ever be able to completely heal from them. And for me, I don’t think I’ve fully accepted that yet. I’ve accepted responsibility for a lot of it, for most of it, but I still feel, quite viscerally, that I was “wronged” in some ways.

(I’m sorry if you missed yesterday’s post before I took it down – this might not make much sense to you if you did. I wrote a much briefer synopsis of the story a long time ago in this post in case you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about and would prefer a little back story.)

Kevin and I sat on our bed last night when I got home from rehearsal and talked for quite a while about the events that took place in my life in June of 2002. I was a mess during most of college and it all culminated that summer when I punched my boyfriend in the mouth and I got kicked out of the apartment we were staying in because of it. The subsequent days, weeks and months were a horrible, dark time in my life. But, truthfully, so had been the days, weeks and months before those events occurred.

The bottom line is that I’m not completely over what happened that June. I was surprised to discover this about myself yesterday, but I suppose it’s true. I’m not completely over the punch and its fall out. It happened. And lots of other stuff happened too. And the end result is that I’m no longer a depressed, anxious, overweight mess. I got better. The stuff that “happened to me” that summer also happened because of me. But I’m not completely over it.

I was able to sit on my bed last night, years and years later, and cry into my boyfriend’s shoulder for the girl I was that summer. I am sad for that girl – that fat, unhappy, lonely girl. Excuse me while I talk about my former self in the third person for a moment, but I want to avenge her. Yeah I got better, and in an ideal world that would be reward enough, but the girl I was that summer could not stick up for herself then, and she naively believed she deserved everything she got. But she didn’t deserve those things and I want to stick up for her now. I have not forgiven the people who, I feel, trespassed against her. They were not good friends. They were bad friends. I feel strongly about that, still. And I want very much to avenge her with more than the satisfaction of having achieved mental wellness.

Truly, I will never be completely healed from that experience unless and until I let go of that need to avenge her. And I’m just not there yet. I’m still – STILL – my GOD – over SEVEN YEARS LATER (?!) – I’m still wounded by it. I’m still hurt, upset, shocked and saddened by the people involved. I still want to sit a handful of people down and tell them how much their behavior sucked. I want to tell them to eff off. I want them to know that I got better in spite of them, not because of them, and that I can only hope if they’re ever in the situation I was in that summer, in any way, shape or form, that the people in their lives will be more compassionate toward them than they were toward me.

See? I’m not over it yet.

In reality, it doesn’t matter what they “did.” All that matters is what I did to create the scenario. And I’m not yet able to fully accept that. As much as I know I created my own mess, my anger toward them is still there.

And that’s okay. I will come to complete acceptance someday.

Kevin asked me last night, “Who were your true friends during that time?” And that’s what made me start crying. Remembering the compassion that was in my life, however much the negativity seemed to outweigh it, made me more emotional than remembering my anger or other people’s betrayal. I remember my friend Randy and how kind he was, how understanding, how much love he still had for me, even though it was probably pretty hard to love me. I remember my friend Ryan, who never doubted me for a second, who would have gone to the mat for me in a heartbeat, who yelled at one of the “bad” friends on my behalf, who would have done anything to help me, and who did. Ryan got me two jobs and helped me rediscover a place for myself in the world. He was an amazing friend to me. I remember my friend Andy, who slipped an envelope with $20 in it and a little blue heart drawn on the front of it into my backpack. I remember my friend Daniel who didn’t seem to care what anyone thought about me and was just happy to have my company. I remember my friend Adam who let me sleep on his living room floor for weeks. I remember my friend Kate, who replied to my emails and made me feel a little less alone. I remember my therapist and my mom and my grandfather who trusted me and knew I’d eventually escape the whole mess.

That’s the stuff that matters. And someday I’ll let go of the other stuff too.

now what?

Posted on by

0

Although it’s only been two weeks since I took the plunge and quit my job, it seems like much more time has passed. I still believe it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I generally feel more open to what’s possible than I was before. There is such a difference between talking about doing something and actually doing it.

I’ve come to realize through conversations with friends and even conversations with my boss, that there really are artistic/creatively-minded people in the world who simply aren’t cut out to work in non-creative environments. I also do believe that almost anything can be classified as creative and almost everybody is creative in one way or another – that all human beings long to express themselves creatively, whether that be in traditionally creative ways like painting or dancing or drawing, or other ways that aren’t so obvious. We use our brains in creative ways all the time.

However, there are certain people whose need for a specifically artistic outlet is almost as involuntary as breathing – people who are so drawn to artistic expression that they wouldn’t actually be able to recognize their lives without it. I used to roll my eyes at this idea, that there could be a “need” to create art – even the word “artist” sometimes makes me feel weird. I do have to humbly admit that I am one, though. For whatever it’s worth.

The bottom line, for me personally, is that I’ve been a less-than-perfect employee at almost every single office or retail job I’ve ever had. I haven’t been a bad employee in most instances, I just haven’t “lived up to my potential,” or done the work “I’m capable of doing,” (just like I didn’t do in math class in high school). As I’ve said a hundred times on this blog before, these kinds of jobs are not my thing. I don’t respond to them, I don’t like them, and I feel I can’t really be myself at them. Maybe that’s my own fault, but where ever the blame can be placed doesn’t matter. I have felt guilt, shame and defensiveness about not being into these kinds of jobs for as long as I can remember.

Conversely, I’ve never once in my entire life had those negative sorts of feelings about creative “jobs.” Every artistic endeavor, from performing, to writing, to teaching or coaching comedy groups, to baking has felt completely natural to me. I’m always happy to participate, I always feel like I can be myself in those environments, and I’m never a bad employee. It could certainly be argued that this is because those kinds of jobs are “easy.” But they’re not, really. They’re easy when you love them, yes. But I would imagine they’re scary and hard in the eyes of someone who has no interest in performing or writing or any of the rest of it. In the same way a job as a mathematician would be terrifying to me, a job as a performer or a writer might be terrifying to someone else.

So now that I’ve re-established for the umpteenth time that I’m not cut out for the office (do you get the sense I’m telling myself more than I’m telling you?), what the hell am I specifically going to do when I leave this job??

First of all, my last day at the office has changed. It’s actually going to be October 16. One month from today! Yes, it supposed to be at the end of September but now it will be October 16. It’s a long story but that’s the deal. It’s a good thing – it will give me two more weeks to organize my life post-desk-job and that’s just fine. I’m back up at the reception desk for this last month and I’m able to get a lot of my personal work done during the day. The extra time, frankly, is sort of a relief, since I think it will go a long way to helping me feel more prepared for this transition.

I’m saving my pennies and I will have a nice little nest egg built up when I leave here. It’s not much, but it’s enough that I will feel relatively secure for a little while. I’m so incredibly proud that I’ve been able to do that, as I’ve been notoriously bad with my money in past lives.

In terms of what I will actually do with myself and my time the first day I no longer work here: Well. We’ll see! I get giddy and butterflies-in-the-tummy like a little kid when I think of it. The idea that my time will be my own, the idea that I will be able to wake up, do some yoga if I feel like it or take a walk if I feel like it, cook myself a big breakfast, or a small breakfast, travel into the city if need be, lay on the couch and write if need be, do laundry in the middle of the day if need be, go to the market every single day to make fresh, simple meals – it’s all thrilling. The options are endless and I’m so eager to find out how I will end up spending my time.

At first, I plan to give myself a week “off.” I want to get to know myself in a no-obligation environment because I’m not sure I have any true idea of how I will feel and behave with that kind of freedom. It’s almost terrifying. Except that it’s awesome.

And after a week of basically doing nothing so important, a week of “vacationing,” if you will, I’m going to start actively pursuing work that I’m passionate about, as though it were my full time day job. I’m going to start writing more, I’m going to maybe seek out more performance opportunities, I’m going to say yes to interesting projects that come my way, I’m going to brainstorm and daydream and follow-through on my ideas, I’m going to continue to build the bakery and perhaps actively seek out more clients (The dozens and dozens of orders Faryn and I have done so far have all been from word of mouth – everyone has come to us! It will be interesting to see how the business will grow if and when we start going after the orders.), I’m going to keep myself mentally and physically tended to, because that stuff is so important to me, I’m going to tend to my home, to our kitchen, to feeding Kevin and my bellies with fresh, healthy food, I’m going to perform in my comedy shows and enjoy the hell out of it. And after a month or so of that sort of full time work, I’ll reassess and see where I’ve landed.

It might mean getting a part time job around the holidays, or it might not. I’m leaving myself open to any and all possibilities and I’m not closing any doors. The fact that I’ll be able to live this way at all, even if it’s only for a little while (though I’m anticipating it being much longer than a little while) is such a gift and a blessing.

My best, novice advice to someone who wants to create this kind of opportunity for themselves is to start saving your money NOW. I started this savings account in January of 2008, so almost two years ago. And I’ve been putting a meager $50 into it every month. Nothing more, nothing less. $50. I didn’t know at the time that it would be my desk-job-escape fund. I was just saving to save. And as the months passed and my daydream to leave my desk job turned into a reality, I started seeing that little savings account as my ticket out of here. I’ve found other ways to pad it up since then, cutting corners (with the envelope method!), taking a second look at some old taxes and finding a bunch of a money that’s owed to me by the IRS, avoiding buying big ticket items right now because I just don’t need them as much as I need and want to live a life more suited to me – and now it’s all added up in such a way that I feel responsible and able to make this transition.

It’s going to be scary, it’s going to be uncertain, but it’s actually happening. I still can’t believe it’s true.

how we’ve changed

Posted on by

3

Since I quit my job almost two weeks ago, my blog has been getting a lot of traffic related to people searching for things like “should I quit my job?” and “when to quit a job I hate,” and “should I quit before or after my holiday bonus?”

Of course, since I wrote a post with the words “quit” “my” “job” and “today” sprinkled repeatedly throughout it, the search engines are going to direct people to my site. There were certainly just as many people searching for those kinds of questions the day before I quit as there were the day after. But with my new window into who’s searching for job-quitting, it’s very interesting to realize how many people scour the internet every day with dreams of leaving their current work situation and the intention, theoretically, of finding something better.

I was talking to my friend and improv teammate Brett Wean (Follow him on twitter because he is a very funny tweeter.) on the bus ride up to Boston this past weekend about a variety of thought-provoking topics, including the idea that our parents and their parents didn’t necessarily have the luxury, nor the mindset, of only pursuing work that made them feel happy and fulfilled. Maybe that’s an overstatement or a vast generalization, but I wonder. My mom wanted to be a physical therapist before she found out she was unexpectedly pregnant. She became a teacher because her mother told her that’s what she had to do if she was going to be a young, single mom. Being a teacher ultimately became a job that made her feel happy and fulfilled, but who knows if she would have chosen it if she hadn’t been forced to do so by her circumstances. I suppose hers is not a story unique to her generation. Her story could happen to anyone at any time in history.

Even so, whether due to an overall way of thinking as a culture, or due to an economic need, or due to a societal expectation, I would imagine that many people in the generations before mine ended up in jobs, jobs that they kept for their entire lives in some cases, that weren’t exactly their true bliss or passion. And maybe, in at least some of those instances, the person was able to turn the career in which they found themselves into a passion.

My grandfather is an interesting example. He played pro-baseball when he was a young man. He was a fantastic ball player, from what I hear, and traveled all around the country playing in ball clubs and managing teams. He managed the Yankees when they were a minor league team, and roomed with Mickey Mantle – they grew up playing on the same farm team, and ended up remaining friendly colleagues and teammates for a long time.

The stories my grandfather tells from his years playing baseball are some of the most fascinating, exciting and passionate stories you’ll ever hear. (He’s also a fantastically gregarious story teller, in general. He could make a blank piece of paper sound interesting.)

He maintained his career in baseball and his passion for the game even as he was starting a family. His young wife and their two oldest children traveled around the country with my grandfather while he got paid to play professional sports. Ultimately, though, he realized that he needed to give up this dream to provide a more stable life for his family. His wife desperately wanted to return to her home town, she missed her mother and her siblings and the place she knew so well, and they were planning to have more children, so it seemed the sensible thing to do. (Incidentally, this was a reality my grandfather relayed to me when I was a teenager and I announced that I wanted to be an actor. He tried to explain to me how he gave up his dream to do the responsible thing and that I should consider doing the same. Needless to say, this didn’t make me want to be an actor any less, it made me wonder why on earth he would ever give up something he loved.)

So my grandparents returned to Illinois, set up their roots in Quincy, where my mother and I were both born, and there my grandfather, now retired from baseball, worked himself to the bone. He enrolled in a college hours and hours away from his family to get a business degree, he worked at a shoe store to pay the bills, he bought a small plot of land and raised cows and other farm creatures, and he eventually became a teacher and worked his way up through the school system until he retired as Assistant Superintendent of the School Board when I was a little girl. Since he retired he’s had several other careers because the man just cannot stop working. He’s since been a principal of a Head Start program for underprivileged children and principal of the Catholic grade school – all this after he “retired.” He feels idle if he’s not involved in something and at almost 80 years old (his 80th birthday is next week!) he now runs his local Golf Club, helping the club to eschew a potential closing while we all weather the bad economy.

The point is, the man’s passion may have once been baseball, but when he became a father, his passion became his family, and when he became an educator, his passion became being a great teacher and creating a better school system. When he became a grandfather, he took it on with glee – you’ll never meet a man more enamored with his grandchildren. And when he became a golfer…well, he loves golf. He’s an example of someone whose circumstances forced him away from his “dream job” and toward a more practical lifestyle, but he’s also an example of someone who was able to find happiness and fulfillment in almost anything he did.

It makes me wonder if we are living in a time that is so fundamentally different from the days when my grandfather was young – a time where the options for careers are so plentiful, where the rhetoric that we can be anything we dream of being is so prevalent, where the dot com boom allowed us to watch our ridiculously young peers become overnight millionaires, where the economic depression and the expensive wars don’t have nearly the devastating personal impact (in some cases, at least) that they had the first time our nation saw them, and a time when the world moves at such a pace that we probably all have a mild case of attention deficit disorder – it all makes me wonder if many of us would not be so easily able to innately find a sense of happiness in the kind of life my grandfather found himself building after he left his dream job, a life based on making the responsible, safe, selfless choice.

To be fair, there are countless men and women in today’s culture who do make the responsible, safe and selfless choice every single day, men and women who have found themselves in situations where they might not be able to follow a childhood dream because they have to pay bills and support a family. And I would imagine that many of those people have been able, like my grandfather did, to find their bliss within that way of life. That is a wonderful thing and I do not judge their lifestyle nor how fulfilling they find it. Everyone’s bliss is their own and simple dreams are just as beautiful and important as lofty ones. Conversely, there are countless others in today’s culture who have chosen, probably in numbers greater than ever before, to set aside the idea that all our choices have to be responsible, logical and stable, and who are quitting jobs and leaving careers in the interest of seeking out those wild fantasies and daydreams.

I’m leaving my desk job, complete with a decent salary, stability and health insurance benefits, because I do not want to work here anymore. I cannot imagine that the option to just up and quit a job like this was a true possibility, or perhaps even a desire, for someone who had a job like mine sixty years ago. I’m going to have to spend some time asking my grandparents when I see them next about whether or not people followed their bliss when their generation was young. Did people seek out the kind of careers and lifestyles that they dreamed of having? Like so many of us seem to eager, willing, and capable of doing today? Or did people find a job that suited their needs and then stay in it, no matter what else they dreamed of having or doing, because that’s just what people did?

I’m not remotely ashamed of the fact that the tide of our culture has turned in such a way to find its inhabitants, young and old, seeking out careers that truly inspire them, and pursuing paths, projects and goals that they dreamt about pursuing as children. I think it’s a wonderful direction for a culture to take itself, where more and more people are searching for their dream life. It’s also very interesting to juxtapose today’s culture, where google searches about “I’m desperate to quit a job I hate” are prevalent, with yesterday’s. You have to wonder – if the internet was around 60 years ago, would people have googled “I want to quit my job” as often as they do today.

There’s absolutely nothing to judge about either culture. Both have their merits and are a sign of the times in which they’ve existed. It’s just fascinating to notice how we’ve changed.

a brooklyn job hunt

Posted on by

0

Picture 160

So yesterday was an interesting day. It was certainly not a normal day for me.

After getting dressed and finding myself some breakfast, I slathered on sunscreen, packed up my stack of resumes, gave Kevin a big smooch, and headed out the door. I was looking forward to the afternoon. At worst, I’d have a lovely walk through sunny Brooklyn on a day I’d otherwise be inside staring at a computer. And at best, I’d find a million dollars in an envelope on a park bench. Or a new job. Whichever.

Since I’m not eleven, I can vividly remember a time when there was no internet. Although I wasn’t part of the work force at the time, I remember knowing that you found a job by looking through a newspaper, asking a friend to refer you, or walking into the place where you wanted to work. But I didn’t enter the work force until the internet was a big part of the world. So with the exception of a few odd jobs I landed through word of mouth or friend referrals, I’ve usually found work by searching for it online, as I’m sure is the case for most people my age and in my socio-economic class. That’s why it felt incredibly foreign to be walking around in the outside world yesterday, expecting to say not to just one person, but hopefully to dozens, “Are you hiring?”

I did what I often do in potentially intimidating situations like this. I just imagined that this was something I did all the time, and something that I felt really confident doing it. Luckily, that method worked and the I’m A Big Weirdo feeling went away pretty early on.

When I left the apartment, I first walked to the nearby grade school. I had this daydream that I’d find some non-teacher work there, anything they had available, maybe even a lunch lady job (!). I’d have to get up early to work at the school, sure, but I’d be done every day by 3pm. And my commute would be the 46 steps to and from to my front door. But when I got to the school, I found it was closed. It is summer, after all.

So my first attempt didn’t work out. I decided, however, not to let the circumstances of the day impact my mood too much one way or the other. I knew I wasn’t embarking on this experience with unrealistic expectations of finding a job, nailing the interview, being offered the position, and walking home with my first paycheck in my pocket. I knew it was going to be a afternoon filled with unknowns and there was no right or wrong way to do it. So I let that be my guide. I reminded myself that I was likely to get hot, tired of walking around in the summer sun, hungry, maybe even lonely. So whenever I felt one of those things, I just dealt with it. I sat down, or found some water, or checked my email on my blackberry.

I’m making it sound like I was on an eight month jungle safari, right?

Ten or twelve years ago, walking around my neighborhood on a hot summer day asking for jobs would have been my idea of human torture. And if I found myself doing so, it would have almost certainly been inflicted upon me by my mother, who would have, for one annoying reason or another, insisted I leave the house and not come back for X number of hours or until I had a job, which ever came first. (Had she ever done that, which she didn’t, I probably would have parked my butt on a curb somewhere and waited for the sun to go down before coming home and claiming that I’d dropped a bunch of resumes off and I should have a job in a matter of hours.)

Anyway, after the lunch lady dream was dashed, I kept walking. My immediate neighborhood isn’t necessarily the kind of place I’d expect to find a job. It’s mostly hair salons, take-out restaurants, and 99 cent stores. I’m certainly not above working in any of those places, but I was hoping for something that would pay a reasonable hourly rate. I didn’t think I’d find that at “De Bamboo Express.” So I walked for a quite a while, stopping once at a dentist’s office (“No, I’m sorry. We’re not hiring.”) and once at a coffee shop (“No, but you can leave a resume.”) and I eventually found myself outside my immediate neighborhood and into one nearby. I ended up the Brooklyn Library for a few minutes. I used their restroom AND dropped off a resume. Two birds.

Then I stopped for ice cream and a sit-down. And after I finished my sweet treat, I was ready to go again. I ended up walking up and down all kinds of streets that I’ve often driven down or walked by, but never really explored. I popped into every shop or establishment that seemed appropriate and I was gaining more confidence after each attempt. “Hi. I was wondering if you guys are hiring?” It was a question that seemed to first surprise most people, but it was also met with a certain level of respect, and then kindness. I probably would have felt the same if I were in their shoes. I imagined myself sitting at my current job, looking up to find a girl like me standing in the lobby with a folder tucked under her arm. I would have thought, “This girl is walking around in the heat, pounding the pavement to find a job. She’s just walked right in here and bravely asked me if we’re hiring. I would never do that. She must really need a job. And she must be brave.”

It was sort of fun to dream up what these people might think of me – that I’d been laid off, been out of work for weeks or months, had a family to support, that I was broke, that I’d been competing for jobs on the internet for so long, without any progress, that I’d gotten fed up and decided to strike out on my own. I can only assume that’s what I would have thought about me if I were them. It was funny to remind myself that none of that stuff is true, that I was choosing to do this – that I have a job with a decent salary and health insurance, a job that I had to take a vacation day from in order to walk around asking people for another job, that I’m not broke, that I haven’t been laid off, that I’m just looking to change my circumstances. It was a much different situation than I’ve been in before when on this kind of hunt. In fact, this might be one of the first times in my life I’m actually looking for a new job because I want to, not because I have to. It’s fun. Almost like shoe shopping. Almost.

I walked into dozens of places. Some I left resumes, some I didn’t. If didn’t feel good about the place, I wasn’t going to waste my time asking if they wanted me to work there. That would defeat the purpose. I stopped in a bunch of cafes, some stores, a couple yoga studios and office buildings. I avoided traditional restaurants, having had absolutely no restaurant experience whatsoever in my entire life. I didn’t think my chances were good at a restaurant, I didn’t really want to lie about my experience and I didn’t know the first thing to say if I were to be asked questions about waiting tables or serving food. I’m sure I could make something up, but I was worried it would seem obvious that I was lying (and that I was terrified.).

Many places gave me their cards, directed me to email addresses to send a resume to, or websites to visit to check on their hiring status (ironic). A bunch of places said they’d just gone through a round of hiring, but it couldn’t hurt to submit my resume so they could have it on file. Near the end of my journey, I was finally able to fill out an application at a coffee shop in Park Slope that I’ve always liked. My resume, overflowing with administrative and receptionist positions, probably didn’t look too appealing to whomever reviewed the application later that evening. I hadn’t even considered changing it around to put the focus on my customer service experience, to mention my food handlers license, or to write a nice, cheery objective, like, “I hope to work as a counter person at a friendly Brooklyn café.” I felt silly handing my office worker resume to these trendy café servers, but I did it. And the act of doing it matters for something, I’m sure.

Once I’d hit the three-hour mark, it was time to head home. Surprisingly, I wasn’t terribly tired or hungry. Years of living in New York City builds one’s endurance for hot days where lots of walking is involved. But I did have an appointment to get to (An interview I conducted for this blog – to be posted soon!) and I didn’t want to be late.

When I got home, Kevin greeted me with lots of kisses and hugs and “I’m so proud of you!”s. That was reward enough for my full afternoon. While I sat on the couch and stared off into space, I thought about the business cards I collected from the different bakeries and cafes, the variety of people I’d met, the Brooklyn daytime culture I’d gotten to experience, and how genuinely nice every single person I spoke to was. No one was rude to me when I asked if they were hiring, no one was short with me, or even indifferent. They were all employees who’d been, in one way or another, standing my shoes at some point, and they were all more than happy to spend a few seconds of their time answering my questions and making sure I didn’t feel stupid for asking.

I learned that I need to have a more appropriate resume if I expect to get a non-office job without having any non-office experience. I learned that it’s awesome to be walking around outside on a beautiful, warm weekday. And I was reminded that I can be outgoing when I decide to be.

I’m not sure what’s in store for me in terms of getting a job in Brooklyn. I’m keeping an eye out for opportunities online and I think I might pop back into a few places here and there when I get a chance (with the right sort of resume, of course). Most importantly, and this was really the goal to begin with, I know that the very act of doing what I did yesterday was valuable for me as I continue to create momentum and build connections. Those will all come together someday to construct that magical bridge, which I know will appear when I least expect it, to lead me out of this desk job. It’s not a bad job. I just want something different for my life.

(Oh and by the way, to throw a little humble pie in here, coming back to work this morning to sit in a comfortable chair, at a place where I know the rules and parameters, and can expect my paycheck at the end of the week? It wasn’t so bad.)

13 things I’ve learned so far

Posted on by

3

Picture 170

I’ve been keeping this log of my journey to leave my desk job and do what I love for over 7 months now. That’s not a very long time, but a lot has happened since I began writing in January. I have yet to actually quit my job, though I’m growing closer every day. I have, however, waded through a long list of potential new careers and taken several big steps toward starting my own business (a bakery!) with a good friend. I’ve also written something about the process almost every day.

I don’t think I’d be making these strides if I wasn’t sharing the experience with all of you as I go. Writing about what I hope to accomplish, what I have already accomplished, and how I’m inspired by your accomplishments has given me the accountability necessary to turn my hopes and plans into reality. And this blog has opened up conversations and friendships in my day-to-day life that I wouldn’t otherwise have.

Seven years ago, when I was 21, I set out on a different kind of journey. It was a journey to lose 115 pounds, climb out of my chronic depression, and turn myself around from the homeless, jobless, college dropout I’d become. I’d just been dumped by an abusive, codependent, toxic boyfriend and I was at my rock bottom. It was an isolated and dark time for me, during which I had no choice but to face my situation alone and own up to the world I’d created for myself. I realized that only I could improve my circumstances. No one else. I didn’t have a blog then, nor did I have the incredible system of support and inspiration I have today. But I did have, even when things were at their very worst, a belief in myself, however small, that I was capable of achieving what seemed impossible.

I ultimately succeeded, slowly but surely, in changing every aspect of my situation for the better. And that personal victory confirmed for me that we all possess the ability to do what we put our minds to. It’s a simple, universal concept which endures because it’s true.

Empowered by my own return to grace, so to speak, I’ve since maintained the belief that I can do anything I decide to do, and I’ve used that conviction to fuel this new journey of mine. But I still have plenty to learn. So far, I’ve discovered (and written about) a handful of things in the last 7 months that have helped me form an exciting perspective on this new journey. I believe that these things apply to any journey to follow your bliss, whatever that might mean for you. So I want to share them.

I present to you:

13 Things I’ve Learned So Far On My Journey to Follow My Bliss

Each link takes you to the original post I wrote when I learned that particular lesson.

1.) Follow the path. Unless you are certain that you want to accomplish something really specific, like to become an American-Airlines-pilot-based-out-of-Denver-who-only-flies-weekdays, or a pilates-instructor-who-lives-in-Boston-and-teaches-women-in-their-40’s, the best way to follow your bliss is to follow the path as it presents itself to you. Decide what you hope for, what you dream of, but don’t be beholden to one way of getting there or one way it will look when you do. Be open to *not* knowing, and then put one foot in front of the other. You might not be able to see very far ahead, but all those single steps eventually add up to a whole journey. Be willing to trust in that.

2.) Happiness is not circumstantial. Sometimes people who find themselves in dire, desperate circumstances still have a positive, joyful outlook. And sometimes people who live what might seem like a perfect life, complete with success, fortune, family and opportunity are some of the most negative, unpleasant people around. You are the only person who decides what you value and how you feel about it. And you are the only person who can know if you’re waiting for something external to make you feel happy. When whatever it is finally comes along, will your world fall suddenly into place? Probably not. Practice happiness now. Few, if any, are the circumstances that are really going to change your outlook.

3.) Talk to yourself like you’d talk to your best friend. When you’re working toward something you dream of, judging yourself harshly can be one of the most treacherous obstacles in your path. For whatever reason, so many of us are experts on how to put ourselves down, while we lack the basic ability to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. But when our best friends are struggling or striving, we talk to them lovingly and patiently in order to help them along. Why should we not give ourselves the same respect? Children who are put down have an infinitely harder time succeeding than children who are lifted up. It’s no different for adults, so be nice to yourself first and always. You’re only human.

4.) You are built to adapt. Sometimes the journey to follow your bliss, whatever that might mean for you, finds you working a job you hate, or dealing with a problem that’s hard to face. And that’s all part of it. You have the right to decide how necessary that unpleasant stuff is – do you have to deal with it, or could you walk away from it? But if you’ve made the choice to stick around and muscle through it, know that you, as a human being, are naturally capable of adapting to things pretty quickly. That can be a blessing or a curse. It can mean you end up stuck in a situation that you tolerate for a lot longer than you mean to, or conversely, that you don’t mind working an odd job to make ends meet while you’re making bigger plans. Use to your advantage your innate ability to adapt to change, while still being mindful of whether or not it’s time to move on.

5.) Courage is essential. If you want something more, something different, if you’re hoping to achieve things you dream of achieving, you have to be willing to be courageous. And if you don’t feel courageous, fake it until you do.

6.) The struggle is part of the dream. This was a piece of wisdom imparted to me by my good friend and fellow improviser Phil Wells when I was having a string of bad days early on in the baking biz. His advice made me realize that someday I will look back on the struggles fondly, as times when I was learning and growing. The hard parts might not be pleasant in the moment, but when I remember that they’re all part of this colorful journey, I’m more willing to smile while I push through them. Plus, I’ll probably have some great stories to share when I’m a grandma.

7.) Practice moderation, not obsession. I had to learn to do this with exercise, because being obsessive about it was clouding up my focus. I firmly believe in exercise as a way to keep myself happy and healthy, but when my new endeavors started to take up lots of room in my schedule, I missed some workouts. And then I freaked out about it. Ultimately, I decided to get over myself and trust that I can be healthy in lots of ways – going for a run five times a week doesn’t always have to be one of them. Too much of anything that’s usually considered “healthy” – keeping a focused schedule, keeping a clean house, going to the gym, eating veggies, communicating your relationship woes to your partner – can tip the scales toward unhealthy if you don’t practice them in moderation. You will exhaust yourself and your body if you don’t let yourself off the hook. As you seek out your bliss, even if you are committed to working your butt off to get there, spend time doing what’s easy, relaxing and low-maintenance sometimes too. It will fuel you the rest of the time.

8.) Put it out there. And don’t be afraid to tell the whole story. This one isn’t for everyone, but for those of us who don’t mind sharing details about ourselves with others, it’s helpful to be open and honest with other people about your quest. You don’t have to have a blog to do so – the simple act of communicating your situation honestly to the people you can trust (“I want to move to another city.” Or, “I am trying to get out of a bad relationship.” Or, “I want to quit my office job.” Or, “I want to be a movie star.”) can open up conversations and opportunities you may have never had otherwise. People tend to respond warmly to someone who is forthcoming about their goals and dreams and it can be a strength-building experience to hear yourself saying the words out loud to another person. Plus, you never know what you’ll uncover.

9.) There are teachers everywhere. This is an idea that has been reinforced for me by doing the payday and guest book segments on this blog. When you begin to follow your bliss, you realize there are people and ideas everywhere that seem to support your efforts. You’ll read quotes in the newspaper, overhear a conversation, or see a movie trailer that all seem to have everything to do with exactly what you’re searching for. It’s not that they weren’t there before, it’s that you’re paying a different kind of attention now. All of the people, places and experiences in your life have something to teach you on this journey. If you are willing to let yourself be taught, even about stuff you think you already know, you’ll start to see almost everything as an opportunity to learn.

10.) Anything can be work. If your journey to follow your bliss is career related, this applies to you. No matter how much you love something, if it becomes your job, it becomes a job. Even if you’re thrilled to spend your time on it, there will be days when you don’t wanna. It doesn’t mean you love it any less and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. Work is work. It’s hard, it’s rewarding, and if you enjoy what you do for work, you are lucky and blessed. Keep in mind that if you turn your passion into your career, it will change, even slightly, how you feel about that passion, for better or worse.

11.) Time will pass no matter what you do with it. God willing, you will wake up one day ten years from now, just like you woke up today. Only you can control whether or not that morning will look like this morning did. If you want something about your current situation to change, if you want to seek out what makes you happiest, you might as well start now. Because time waits for no one.

12.) Everything is a process. I don’t have an earlier blog entry to link to this. I was doing my Yoga Download session on Saturday and the woman on the podcast said, “Yoga is a process. Know this.” And it struck me as being true for everything, really. A relationship, a weight loss effort, a career, parenthood, childhood, learning to swim, learning to ride a bike, learning to articulate your needs, being a runner, being a world-champion ping-pong player – they are all processes. And the very nature of a process is that it contains periods of new growth, periods of setbacks and periods of no movement at all. It is a moving forward and a moving backward. And I realized that so many of us, myself included, tend to become upset with ourselves during the points in these life processes when there are setbacks or when growth is not happening constantly. And that is such a waste of precious energy and focus. Because there are SUPPOSED to be periods where growth is not happening constantly. That’s part of it, that’s how a process works. It’s the time when our bodies and brains are rewiring themselves, making the unfamiliar familiar, making the familiar habitual. If those periods of no-movement didn’t occur we wouldn’t actually learn or grow at all. So we’d be better off choosing to revel in the “setbacks” and the times without “forward” motion, because they actually indicate progress. And without them, we’d never improve.

13.) You can be anything. You can do anything, go anywhere, live any life. There are no limits but the ones you choose.

follow the path

Posted on by

5

Picture 201

I got the best email last week. It was from my cousin, Trisha, who lives in Kansas. As she mentioned in her payday segment, she landed her dream job a few months ago. She works at Kansas State University, where she got her degree, and after spending several years working as a recruiter for the university, she left that position to begin her new dream role as an Instructor and Program Coordinator for the School of Leadership Studies at K-State. This new position is right up her alley and, on paper, it fit her perfectly in so many ways. So now that she’s actually in the role and the day to day realities of the position are upon her, it’s even more exciting to see how much she’s enjoying it. Doing what you love really does matter.

So the email she sent me last week was to share some more great news. A proposal she put through at the new job has been approved: she’s going to be traveling to some incredible, far off places (like Kenya!) in the next 6-12 months “to explore the people, the country, the service opportunities.” And because she asked to go to one place, the department granted her the opportunity to go to a few other places – an opportunity she wasn’t even anticipating. Her joy in the email was palpable and I got a little teary-eyed when I read this sentence she wrote: “I took the leap, I left a job where I was miserable, I made a change and took a big risk…I am happy.  I smile all the time. I learn everyday.  I have new thoughts and ideas that I have never had before.  It is amazing.”

She is my little cousin and she is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, so my heart tends to overflow with pride and emotion whenever something good happens in her life, but I would have been moved by those words no matter who wrote them. The very nature of someone seeking out whatever makes them happiest, following the path as it presents itself, and reaping the inevitable rewards is so cool to see. It’s inspiring.

Lately, I’ve been considering this idea of “following the path,” so to speak, when making major life changes. It’s a way of thinking that’s relatively common sense. I didn’t read it in any book or blog and it’s nothing new. It’s just something I’m employing on my journey right now.

Rather than sitting down and making a hard and fast list of goals and items and next steps and aggressively working to achieve them, no matter what gets in my way, instead I make lists of key words or ideas, draw pictures, cut clips out of magazines, read stuff, update and rework my lists and seek out conversations that dabble in and around the flavor of my goals.

Perhaps that sounds a bit “Uhhh? What are you talking about?” So I’ll try to explain.

I don’t push for anything fixed or finalized to happen on this journey to leave my desk job unless and until it presents itself to me. And even then I still take it moment by moment. I try to be open to things – anything – that will help me continue forward, because any forward motion is positive. Change is positive. Sure, there are certain specific things I want – fulfillment, satisfaction, freedom, less stress – but I’m not picky about how I get them or in what form they come. I really do believe that my life will make room for whatever good comes to me, as long as I’ve got an open mind and am willing to see all the possibilities. If what I imagine will happen doesn’t happen, but something different does, I am fine with that. I trust that my positive intentions and my energy toward creating change in my life will result in something great.

For instance, as anyone who’s read follow my bliss from the beginning knows, I did not start this blog with the intention of then starting a business and then blogging about building the business. I decided I wanted to leave my desk job, and the world of desk jobs, for good. Then I decided, at the urging of my supportive boyfriend, to write a blog about it. Right around that same time, I discovered my love for baking. A month after starting the blog, as I looked into every nook and cranny of my life for hints about what I should do next, I decided, among other things, to try to sell some brownies. I kept writing and voicing my goals out loud in the world and a few months later, I ended up starting a little brownie selling project with Faryn. As we explored our options, we had to make some choices about which path to traverse and ultimately, the brownie project soon turned into an entire bakery project. And so it’s only natural that I would then share my journey to start a bakery with my blog readers.

Again, I didn’t originally set out to do this, to travel along this particular road, but you can see how it naturally occurred, as I simply put one foot in front of the other and followed the path as it revealed itself to me. Of course I shaped and molded things, I’m not suggesting that what’s happened in my life in these last few months is the result of some divine intervention and I just followed along. I am saying, though, that I did not set out on this journey knowing how it would look or where it would take me. And I have been surprised to find myself here.

This “follow the path” methodology is not for everyone – some people have a very specific vision for their lives, or very specific goals they intend to accomplish. And that’s perfectly fine. For me, I just want to do what I love and be able to make my student loan payments at the same time. So this method works for me.

I sit at this desk job every day and I stare out the window a lot. I have to take deep breaths to defer the stressful nature of the place. This, in contrast to how I dream about spending my days – doing something I love, on my own terms – can weigh on me. And it makes the urge to stomp into my boss’ office and give my two weeks notice that much stronger. But I know it’s not yet time. It will be soon, but today is not the day and nor will tomorrow be.

I have charged myself with the simple but disciplined task of staying true to this path I’m on, of trusting that as long as I’m willing to set fluid goals, work toward them, and be flexible to their natural movement, the path before me will unfold and I will find my way out of here, however that may happen. I will know when the day is right to leave this job. And on that day, it won’t be an easy or safe transition, but it will be the right transition. I will be putting one foot in front of the other and reaching for what makes me happy, just like Trisha did. She’s set a fantastic example.

This might be one of the more new-agey posts I’ve written in a while – all about paths and being true to yourself and blah blah. I’m glad you survived it.

blue

Posted on by

1

Remember Elizabeth Blue? Blue was the first (and so far, only) contributor to my guest book segment. I found this photo on her facebook page. I hope she doesn’t kill me for posting it, but I love it. I had to.

Anyway, Blue wrote a fantastic guest post a few months ago for follow my bliss which, she said, inspired her to start her own blog!! She told me that the process of writing that guest post was exciting and scary, that she wasn’t sure if she felt comfortable sharing all sorts of personal thoughts and feelings with perfect strangers, especially on the internet. She said that she chose to be brave about it anyway, write the post, and just let go of the worry that people would judge her. I’m so glad she did because it was a great post.

Apparently that all reminded her that she already had the courage and motivation to start writing more and more for the whole world to read. To me, that’s what the journey to find one’s bliss is all about – walking through an open door and seeing where you find yourself.

I love reading Blue’s new blog. She’s smart, insightful, humble and funny. Reading her feels like hanging out with your favorite down-to-earth girlfriend.  Everything she writes is very real and she expresses vulnerable pieces of herself – she inspires me to be more brave with my writing.

One of my favorite aspects of her blog is her desire to help herself and other people find happiness and wellness in their lives. She has a resources page entitled NYC Health & Happiness Resources (on a budget) where she provides links to and descriptions of exactly what the title implies. From acupuncture to improv, it’s all there. I imagine, and I think she does too, that guiding other people toward seeking their own wellness is going to play a major role in her life someday, probably sooner than later.

Blue and I share the philosophy that you can create movement and change in your life just by setting an intention and putting it out into the universe, so to speak. Whenever I say stuff like that, I worry that it sounds cheesy or new-agey, but I’m going to let that worry go. So let me reitterate: I fully believe in the power and energy of setting an intention.

Blue generously wrote this on her blog a few days ago:

Through the act of putting a goal or desire out there, things happen! My friend Jen is an example of this. Jen started her blog with the intention of leaving her desk job and finding her true bliss. Because of this, movement is happening in her life! Now, it is not a question of “if” she will leave her day job, it is “when.”

What a thrilling process to see happen. We really do have so much power to bring what we want into our lives. Inevitably we will be surprised by the outcome, and the final product of our intentions could be different than we had the capacity to dream of in the beginning. But there’s simply no way things can just stay the same, if we put our intentions out there and faithfully pursue them.

She’s a wise young lady. And I know she’s going to achieve all the things she hopes to achieve in her life. Because “there’s simply no way things can just stay the same, if we put our intentions out there and faithfully pursue them.”

guest book

Posted on by

3

I am thrilled to announce a new feature on follow my bliss called guest book. Every once in a while, I’ll ask a guest to generously share their story with us, in their own words.

I’m hoping we’ll collect a variety of accounts from people who can relate to the themes of this journey. It’s for learning.

Without further ado, I present this week’s guest book:

photo by Caitie McCabe
photo by Caitie McCabe

The lovely young woman second from the left is named Blue. Blue is our first guest book contributor! Here she is with her old improv team Vacation Island, the group that, she says, kept her laughing all year long last year. She told me that this photo makes her really happy. I love that. 

I met Blue at The PIT, where we both do comedy stuff. She’s a very sweet, very talented lady. She’s also drop dead hilarious.

Blue reached out to me a few weeks ago, after happening upon follow my bliss, and told me that she was really inspired to read what I’ve been exploring, since she’s kind of on her own ‘bliss’ journey. We’ve had several really great chats over the last few weeks about our priorities and awarenesses. I was so glad when she agreed to write a guest post about her recent experiences.

Please welcome our guest, Blue.

Last fall I had an interesting problem. That problem was: I had no problem. My life was full of amazing friends, a regular improv gig with a troupe I loved (long live Vacation Island), a steady job I enjoyed, and I even had a cozy little apartment to call my own. But I was unhappy. It was an interesting feeling, because I have often had periods of unhappiness in the city, but I could usually attach that feeling to a boy/career/social problem. For the first time in a while, my life was pretty steady, and in that steadiness I felt incredibly uneasy. When things were so good, why did I feel so bad? (Cut to Carrie Bradshaw typing on her laptop.)

Thus began the search. My friend Anna, a student at Pacific College, introduced me to acupuncture and I began going weekly.  Acupuncture is so interesting because it can assist in healing almost any ailment. Cramps? Check. Back pain? Check. Emotional pain? Check. It’s a much better pain reliever than Aleve or Ibuprofen (or Jameson on the rocks) in that it actually gets to the root of the problem. My acupuncture appointments were a place I could go to get some relief from that down-in-the-dumps feeling. Turns out, speaking with an acupuncturist was my first step towards self-awareness. At each appointment we’d start with her asking how I felt this past week physically, emotionally, and mentally. I hadn’t really thought about it before. I started to realize all the small things that I had just gotten used to feeling. In the words of my friend Anna, “It doesn’t have to be that way.” It was nice to be so proactive about my day-to-day living. What would I like to work on today? Oooh… maybe those headaches I keep getting. Or how about the tummy aches that hit me in the middle of my shift at work! Or, could we work on my overthinking? (Yes–Acupuncture can help us overanalyzers too! Looking at you, fellow Virgos.) While speaking about my past week, it finally dawned on me that my lifestyle played a big part in how I was feeling. I’m depressed? OH! Maybe because I drink so many depressants! My stomach hurts? Maybe that’s because pizza is my dinner three times a week. It was a seemingly obvious and yet empowering realization.

I began to make some lifestyle changes, like thoughtfully drinking, not just numbly having four beers at Mustang Sally’s because it was a Wednesday. I cut dairy out of my diet. I made sleep a priority. I began studying up on food and the best kind of food for my body. And, I started to feel… better. Just paying such close attention to my physical health began to affect my mental and emotional health as well.

The next step was scary. I had always wanted to take a yoga class but was so scared to be a beginner and to be in that horrid “bad-at-something” phase. But l’m no stranger to Fear, and have learned to just acknowledge the feeling and do what I truly want to do anyway. And, as usual, I was rewarded for moving forward and not being held back by that big scary monster Fear. I found that my whole week was improved by just going to one yoga class. Yet another useful tool to put in my happiness box. After taking another deep breath, I walked into a bikram yoga class with my friend Abigoliah. Here, I discovered the practice that really fit me. This yoga challenges me in just about every way I need to be challenged right now. I leave the class knowing I am stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually. Some days are more difficult than others, and it’s definitely not fun, per se. But as one of the teachers said, we are so lucky to be able to practice yoga. And it’s so true. What an amazing gift and luxury it is to be able to take time out of the day to focus only on personal growth.

Then there’s my work with Dion Flynn. Dion is one of those people who radiates light. When I first met him, I could tell that he just gets something. I wanted to get something too! One of the activities he has you do is to create a big map using pictures that inspire you from magazines. He said that over time, different pictures may start to mean something more to you. Mine is filled with comedians, islands, music, travel… And there’s one picture of a girl in a bubble bath–her leg is in the air and she’s looking at her toes with a big smile on her face. I love this picture because it’s such a vision of self-care. This girl LOVES baths! They bring her joy! I bet she takes a bath every day. This picture has become the one to stand out so much more to me than the others–more than Amy Poehler or Bob Dylan or the guy surfing in the Greek Islands. I have realized that at this time in my life, self-care has become my number one priority. And I am finding that as I tune in to my inner needs first, everything else is falling into place.

The beauty of this is that it all started with a deep, confusing sadness. But if I had felt completely content I would not have discovered anything. The simple act of admitting to myself how I was feeling spurred change in huge ways. I’m now becoming more clear about who I am and what I want in my life. I took my happiness into my own hands instead of just waiting or hoping for it to happen to me.

The other day Mika, a manager at work, asked me, “Are you taller? Or is it just the happiness?” I hadn’t shared any of this with her! I was so excited that my inner work was beginning to shine through. I’m discovering that the secret to my personal happiness lies in the daily pursuit of it. As I continue to pursue happiness, I am finding my own bliss, and my joy for life is expanding.

Thank you, Blue, for your brave insights and for taking the time to share with all of us what you’ve been learning. It’s not always easy to put stuff like this out into the world. I love what she wrote – it has encouraged and motivated me to keep exploring different ways to care for myself.

Blue and I are trying to find time to take a yoga class together – I’ve never tried bikram yoga before and I really want to, and she might come to a restorative class with me at Om someday. I’m also now interested in giving acupuncture a whirl. Of course, I’ll make sure to chronicle it all for you guys.

Thanks again to Blue. You can catch her with her new improv group, Punch, performing at 9pm at The PIT on Wednesdays.

various things

Posted on by

0

I don’t know what to write about today, y’all. I have an exciting guest blog I could post* (!) or I could probably come up with more desk job related anecdotes. But I feel like I haven’t done a nice healthy personal check-in for a few days. I told Kev I didn’t know what to write about today and he said, “Write about that!” Fair.

It’s rainy today. I don’t feel terribly emotionally impacted by it, but my day has a dullness to it just the same.

I haven’t done much in the way of advancing this journey of mine in the last couple days. But I think the in between is just as important as the forward motion.

I have an improv show at The PIT tonight with my super funny team, The Baldwins. I’m looking forward to it. I have felt a little unsure about my work on the ol’ improv stage lately, but another show is another chance to give it a whirl.

I wonder if my joy for improv is akin to my joy for yoga. They are both things that take some serious skill to master. They also demand many years of study, practice, and failure in order to achieve ‘success.’ More accurately, they are each practices which require you to fail so that you might learn that success cannot exist without failure, and that those two forces can sometimes be the same thing. They are also both practices in which the journey is the destination – if you’ll excuse the cliché.

I suppose that’s true for most things in life – the journey is the destination.

My little cousin, who is maybe 24 or 25? and lives in Kansas with her husband and their sweet puppy, Claire, has sent me a few validating emails recently, encouraging me to trust this journey I’m on, assuring me that it’s the right thing. We grew up together and she’s one of the most intuitive, bright, and loving people I know. She also knows me really well. (She’ll be starring in her own payday segment soon!)

So, it’s been really nice to get this kind of feedback from her, and from my mother, my boyfriend, and other generous and kind friends who’ve sought me out to congratulate me on taking the first few steps to leave my desk job, or to let me know that they admire my efforts in sharing the process here, in front of anyone who wants to watch.

In the last few weeks, since beginning this blog and the subsequent quest to leave the desk job (or perhaps it’s the other way around), a handful of great people have reached out to me to tell me their own stories, dreams and goals, or to encourage me in mine. It’s amazing the things people are willing to share when they know it will be openly received. And being an information hog who loves to know the most minute details about everyone she meets, I delight in learning more about the people in my life. It’s been very unifying and inspiring. And it also reminds me how unique and varied we all are, except that we all want to be happy.

This post is riddled with clichés.

I put up a picture of my boyfriend, Kevin, and me in our pajamas because it makes me happy. He’s a good guy. If you don’t know him, you should. He’ll be very nice to you. It’s one of his strengths.

*There’s a guest blog post coming. I’m excited about it. You should be too. She (that’s a hint!) is a brilliant young lady and has some interesting things to say about finding her bliss.

Posted on by

0

That’s me, Kevin and Randy last night at dinner. Daniel took the photo.

The little dinner for Randy was a really fun time. I made chutney and cheddar stuffed chicken, with bacon onion tomato potatoes, and Kev made a yummy salad. The chicken and potatoes were supposed to be a relatively easy recipe, but I was pretty stressed out the whole time I was cooking. Ha. Kevin was incredibly helpful throughout the whole process, which was fantastic. He was one step ahead of me, in fact. The meal turned out fairly tasty, although I don’t know that I’d make it again. The potatoes were my favorite part.

Randy brought over a (gigantic) crusty loaf of good bread and Daniel brought over some wine. We had a nice time catching up on our weeks, chatting about old stuff, making fun of people, and imagining what Randy’s new life in Cali will be like.

These boys, Randy and Daniel, are people I’ve been friends with forever. I’ve lived with both of them, dated one of them, vacationed with them, spent New Year’s Eves and Fourth of Julys with them, met their families, been to their hometowns, seen them both at some of their happiest times and some of their most miserable times, seen them both sicker than sick, I’ve eaten hundreds of meals with them, seen hundreds of movies with them, had dozens of fights with them, and taken them for granted way too many times. They’re two of my very best friends. I was thinking last night after they left our apartment about how I sometimes wish I had more “old” friends – people from high school or even before that who I am still really close to. I don’t have many of those. But I realized that Randy and Daniel are those “old” friends to me. We met each other just months after we graduated high school, still wet behind the ears with our adolescence.

So Randy will move away tomorrow, after living in New York for over ten years. For those ten years he’s been someone I’ve spoken to almost every day, someone I’ve known is always a subway ride (and for years, a block or even a room) away. His girlfriend in is grad school on the west coast, his brother lives there, and he’s ready for a change. Off he goes!

I’m so excited for him because I know it’s going to impact him in positive ways. The weather alone is going to make him happier, I’m sure of it. I also think he’s it’s gonna be really good for him to have a whole different lifestyle and pace available to him. He’s gonna learn to surf. I think that’s so awesome. He doesn’t know precisely yet what kind of job he’ll take. And that, in and of itself, is scary but exciting.

I will certainly miss him. But I know we’re gonna be friends for our whole lives. I don’t say that in a cheesy, optimistic way. And frankly, I’m not someone who has many friendships-for-our-whole-lives, so I don’t even say it from experience. However, the simple fact remains that I’ve known him far too long and been through far too many ugly experiences with the asshole to do anything other than know him forever. We’ve seen each other grow up. It’s been quite a time. I wouldn’t change it for anything.

ANYWAY. Back to finding my bliss. I didn’t find my new calling as a chef last night while cooking chicken. But I did realize that three of the people who are some of the most important to me - Kevin the boyfriend, Daniel the best friend, and Randy the best friend - have all undergone dramatic professional and lifestyle transformations in the last 3 weeks. Crazy, right?

I’ve actually asked them to write a little guest blog post about it. So look for that in the coming days (or months – since two of the three of them are notorious procrastinators).

Kevin, Randy and Daniel last night. Daniel’s making his best face.

Desk job update: It’s Friday. Who cares.