Category Archives: sunshine

i got into a fight at the grocery store

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Because I am my grandfather’s granddaughter, I got in a fight with a guy at the grocery store this morning. He looked “normal,” whatever that means. (And I realize it means nothing at all.) But he was saying some really inappropriate stuff about the cashier and the people who own the store. He actually called the checkout woman “trash.” And I couldn’t believe it.

I rarely, if ever, respond to the weirdos, the asses, the jerks. It’s just not worth it. When I first moved here and was young and stupid, and much feistier, I would talk back whenever I felt like I should. But that never works out and you always feel worse afterward.

This morning, however, I lost myself. I just could not believe this man, in his expensive jacket, his cart full of groceries by his side. I could not believe he walks around in a world where calling someone “trash” and saying that she should go back to her “homeland” is a reasonable thing to do. And I guess that’s the thing. The guy was obviously not reasonable.

But I couldn’t help myself. Oof. The adrenaline surged through my body and after a few dirty looks, I finally said, “Shut up, dude.” Naturally, he didn’t like that. So he turned to whomever was within earshot and muttered “You shut up. Bit@h told me to shut up.”

And then I stepped out of my body and the following flew out of my mouth, loudly, in front of a lot of people in line at the store. “YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT. BIT@H TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP. SO SHUT THE F*!K UP.”

Whoa. I was shaking. I do not advocate this behavior. And I will not be telling Kevin this incident occurred (he can find it out here on the blog…) because he doesn’t like when I do stuff like that. Something about not wanting me to be killed or whatever drama. ;)

So I’m posting photos of today’s beautiful spring morning. To wash away the vitriol.

I’m still adjusting to this new schedule I’ve created for myself – part-time bakery work, part-time writing for Gather.com and Examiner.com. There are moments when I want to cry from joy, because if I can make these two gigs work out for myself financially, I will have achieved the loose goal I had when I quit my job: make money doing stuff I love, hopefully baking and writing.

Three cheers! That feels good.

We are in store for a beautiful week of lovely temps, if the weather reports can be believed. I am so looking forward to it. I need outdoor exercise in a major way.

Have a great weekend, everyone. If you’re celebrating Easter, Happy Easter!

daily dessert – van leeuwen ice cream

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A daily dessert?! WHAT?!?! It’s been ages.

I was just telling Kevin the other day how ridiculous it is that I’ve barely posted a daily dessert since I quit my job six months ago, despite the fact that I have more free time than I did when I was working at that desk. It certainly speaks to the big adjustment this new lifestyle has been – trying to figure out how to negotiate it all, to keep doing the things I love, to pull back on the things that don’t need my focus right now – it’s a juggle for sure.

So, it’s time to start featuring some of my favorite dessert experiences again. And what better place to start than with the brand new store front location of NYC’s beloved artisan ice cream truck, Van Leeuwen. If you live in New York, you’ve seen the pale yellow truck frequenting the streets of the city, offering fresh, straight forward, delicious ice cream in a fantastic variety of flavors. They’ve got the standards like chocolate and vanilla, but they also have more exotic flavors like red currant, earl grey, and ginger. Despite walking by their truck dozens of times, I’d never stopped to partake.

Then, while in Greenpoint a few days ago, on a beautiful, warm, sunny spring day no less, I walked by their new store front location and I decided I had no choice but to stop in.

I forgot how awkward it can be to start snapping photos after you place an order with someone behind a counter. I never know if they mind or not, but I always feel super weird about it, so I try to take my shots as quickly and slyly as possible. I don’t think he noticed…eh who am I kidding, he probably noticed.

He recommended the earl grey flavor, but I’ve always been a big fan of strawberry ice cream, especially if it’s made with only a handful of high-quality ingredients.

I almost ordered a coffee too, but I couldn’t afford it.

I love the ambiance of this little shop. Even though it’s a small space, it feels very airy thanks to soft lighting and a big picture window in the front that opens up onto the street. And I really like the colors and textures they’ve chosen – they’re relaxing.

The strawberry ice cream was very good. I wish there had been more strawberry chunks, but that’s just a personal preference. It was otherwise delightfully tangy and sweet, and tasted very clean and simple. And I always like knowing I’m eating ingredients that are farmed or grown locally.

I have a feeling Van Leeuwen’s new store front is gonna be jumpin’ once the spring and summer weather is here to stay. I’m so glad I stopped in – I just adore new sweet treat shops because I know how much love and care has gone into them. I’m sure that’s true for any new business, but – for obvious reasons – shops that offer sweet stuff have a special place in my heart.

six months later

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I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t immediately start snapping shots of the adorable little flowers that are blooming in the front yards on our street. I squealed when I realized that colorful things were already popping out of the ground – it’s always one of my favorite sights of the year. It means we’re moving forward.

As anyone who doesn’t live under a rock probably knows, much of the country has had stunning spring weather this week. God bless it. It is supposed to be 72 degrees here today, and it’s been in the high 60′s all week long. Kevin and I sat in the park yesterday morning chatting and bickering over coffee and breakfast sandwiches from the deli and I accidentally got a little sunburn on my shoulder and arm! Guess it’s time to break out the sunblock. I am so ready.

This past week has been one of the most interesting and influential weeks I’ve experienced since I quit my job, which was just over six months ago (!). Here’s what happened. I started freelance-baking (sure, that’s a thing) on Sunday morning with a fantastic little catering company in the West Village. Better Being has been around for over 15 years, is owned by two amazing women and run by a wonderful team of talented people, and they’ve carved out an interesting niche for themselves – they cater almost all the big name fashion photo shoots in the city and have been successfully doing so for as long as they’ve been in business. They’ve never even had to advertise – they’re beloved in their community.

They recently decided to open a little take-out lunch shop as an addition to their catering business. The shop, which they’ve built out right in front of their kitchen facility, will offer organic fair trade coffee, delicious paninis and sandwiches, soups made from scratch, hot lunches, salads, and, of course, desserts. And they use some incredibly fresh, high-quality ingredients. Mmm! They had a very soft opening of the new cafe this past Monday, meaning they just opened their doors to friends and family and tried to troubleshoot while learning what to put on the shelves and how to serve the customers before officially announcing anything.

And that’s where I came in. They’ve never exactly had a formal baking department, as a company, and when I met with one of the owners this past Sunday, she explained to me that they were really hoping for someone to take over their bakery and sort of build it from the ground up – to create some signature sweets for the place and to head up the operation. She wanted to know if I was her gal.

It was an unbelievable opportunity, to say the least. I couldn’t believe it had landed in my lap. As I stood in their facility, with an entire separate kitchen dedicated just to the bakery, I imagined the possibilities and was shocked at my good fortune. This could be a great experience, I thought. I’d already told her about my own bakery, in fact it’s what attracted her to me as a prospective employee – she’d been to our website and was impressed. I’d explained to her that if I were to take on the job, I’d also still be running my own bakery and would want her to be comfortable with that. She told me she would be. We agreed to give it a try for a few days. I’d stick around and help out with the soft launch, prepping various sweets and treats for their fashion shoot lunches and for the new cafe, and after a few days, we’d both tell each other how we were feeling and if we wanted to move forward with official employment.

I was excited, but also a little nervous. I knew I could complete almost any recipe you put in front of me, but not having had any formal baking training, I was worried about what I didn’t know that I didn’t know. For a few days at least, I was going to be running this whole bakery! It was all up to me! I crossed my fingers that my skills were up to the task and that I’d be able to learn what I couldn’t already do.

More than any of that, though, I was also worried about whether or not this was the right move for my LIFE, for my bakery, for what I want for my future and the things I can see happening for Fanny & Jane. Lots of bakers and bakery owners have second jobs consulting for other restaurants or cafes. It’s not unusual for someone to own or have created their own restaurant or bakery and to be helping out another one at the same time. In fact, when she asked me for my Red Velvet Cake Bite recipe, I told her I’d be happy to offer them to her as a Fanny & Jane wholesale account, but that those were our signature item and I wasn’t comfortable taking our name off the product. She understood and agreed.

The hours at this gig, although varied, would mostly be mornings (I’d show up sometime between 7am-10am) until early afternoons (we’d finish up sometime between 2pm-5pm) and it seemed like I might have plenty of free time left over to still work on Fanny & Jane stuff too. I knew that I’d know after just a few mornings of showing up for work as Head Baker at a successful NYC restaurant, if it was the right job for me.

Turns out, it wasn’t. And before I explain why, I’ll tell you that discovering I had the ability to recognize that it wasn’t, to make that decision, and to be honest with the owners about it was incredibly reaffirming.

The job itself wasn’t bad at all. The early mornings weren’t ideal, but I got by, and the people at Better Being were fantastic. They were kind, helpful, funny, relaxed, easy to work with and very good at their jobs. The facility itself was great too. It was very clean, very well organized, and ran like a well-oiled machine, despite the addition of the cafe, which had everyone a little on edge as they tried to navigate this brand new aspect of their business. And I absolutely LOVED doing the baking. I made a chocolate sour cream cake, an olive oil cake (that turned out perfectly, if I may brag for a moment), dozens of cookies, biscotti, a range of different fancy cupcakes – a key-lime cupcake with a meringue topping and a lime curd center, a Guinness cupcake with champagne frosting, which was rather complicated to make – I even learned how to use a blow torch, something I’d never done as a baker before. I learned a ton in a few short days and got to know a lovely group of people with whom I would have never otherwise come into contact.

But it wasn’t long before I realized this was not the right fit. I was glad that the owners and I agreed to take it one day at at time before either of us committed formally. Already, after just a few days of working for someone else, I felt stifled, like I wasn’t able to do things creatively that were exciting to me, like there were certain rules I needed to follow and certain tasks I had to perform that weren’t what I wanted to be doing with my skills. And there was a lot of pressure to succeed the first time, every time.

Listen, I know that’s how having a JOB works. And I know that we don’t always get to love everything we do all the time. And, I certainly don’t want to sound ungrateful – a job opportunity is a blessing . But I don’t NEED this job in order to get by right now. And I really don’t want to settle with something like this. I wanted to see if it would be the right fit for me and for my current lifestyle, which happens to include owning and running my own bakery. And it turns out that it wasn’t. I left there every day completely exhausted and feeling almost incapable of spending more time baking for Fanny & Jane. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything once I got home, and what’s worse is that I’d missed whole days of beautiful spring weather, the time of year I’ve been waiting for and daydreaming about since I left my desk job in the fall. Of course, there are days when I don’t get to do exactly what I want because I’m busy with my own work too, but in that situation, I’m my own boss, so if I decide an hour-long walk in the park will be good for productivity, that’s what I do. Understandably, working for someone else doesn’t exactly allow me that. Not to mention, I was missing working all day long on my OWN thing, creating stuff for my success and my future, rather than for someone else’s dream. On paper, this opportunity could have been the perfect fit for me right now, but in practice, it wasn’t what I was looking for.

And rather than be disappointed in myself that I didn’t love it, rather than be disappointed in fact that the experience didn’t match my pre-conceived idea of the experience, I decided to take the cues my body and brain were giving me and to tell the owners, “I’ve loved working here for the last few days, but this isn’t a long term fit.”

They were incredibly understanding and sweet about it and I left there on very good terms. One of the owners kept thanking me for being honest about what I was feeling, and for communicating it to her. The good news is, Fanny & Jane landed a wholesale account of the whole shebang because she loves our Red Velvet Cake Bites and wants to keep them as an item on their shelves. Hooray!

And speaking of Red Velvet, here are some cupcakes I made for their soft launch on Monday. They were pretty delicious, if I may say so.

I cannot tell you how rewarding it was to communicate my true and honest feelings to those people, and to not be ashamed of having those feelings! I was 100% myself at this job from the moment I walked in the door, which is not something I can say about every job I’ve ever had. I was honest with them about who I am and what my skills are, what I’m looking for and what I thought I could contribute. And my skills were certainly stretched. (I had to make something called a Pate A Bombe one day, a term I’d never heard before, which has something to do with how fast and at what temperature you whisk a sugar syrup into an egg mixture. Not that hard to do, but I definitely had to google it to find out.)

More importantly, I was honest with myself. The first moment I started to feel like this wasn’t the right move for the next year of my life, I spoke up. I don’t intend to quit every job I have from now until forever (although I am getting pretty good at giving the speech – har har), but I think I’m learning about myself that being my own boss is right up my alley. I’m also re-learning that I refuse to settle.

I could not stop myself from thinking, while winding down my last few hours at Better Being, You know, I spent a whole year writing a blog about trying to quit my desk job, trying to find the courage and the means to do so. I felt stifled and uncreative there. So I cannot get myself right back into another full time job if it’s not what I want for myself, just because it’s a little bit more aligned with my interests. A little bit more aligned does not a happy career make, necessarily. If I’m not happy right now, if this is not the right fit, I need to get out now. I don’t need to start another blog a year from now about getting up the guts to quit THIS job. (Can you tell I’ve had to give myself a lot of pep talks throughout this experience?)

Don’t get me wrong, the whole thing was fantastic, overall. I loved the people I met and worked with and I’m thrilled to supply F&J sweets to their little shop. I will definitely be going back there for coffee and lunch because every single thing I sampled was absolutely delicious.

And oh my gosh, did I ever feel like I was walkin’ on sunshine, with a huge grin spread across my face, the moment I stepped off the subway to head home on Wednesday afternoon. I’d clocked out for the last time at Better Being, just a few short days after I clocked in. And I was headed back to my fully self-employed lifestyle, to my own bakery, to my own palette and my own creative designs and to being my own boss.

We learn new stuff about ourselves and the world all the time. And this week I learned a boatload of new stuff. The most monumental of which is that I’m right where I belong.

a sunny monday!

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I woke up this morning to see the sun streaming in our front door, and I instantly turned the TV on to check the temp. Mid-fifties and rising! I could not be happier about this.

It was a beautiful weekend here in NYC, sunny and warmer than it’s been in recent weeks, but to wake up on a Monday to bright blue skies and temps even warmer than the weekend – well, that’s my jam right there. I hate to think that I’m so impacted by the weather that I lose a solid two months at the beginning of every year to the doldrums, but that’s just the reality. This spring-like weather makes me ridiculously happy. I feel hopeful, I feel inspired, I am focused on what’s possible rather than on what needs to get done. It’s amazing how that works.

I plan to go for a walk/jog in the park in a few minutes, after I finish this post, finish the Fanny & Jane books (I do the books on Mondays) and throw on some exercise clothes. But when I woke up, I knew I couldn’t wait until I was finished with those tasks to get into the sunshine. So I had breakfast on our stoop.

The sun shines down onto the front of our house for most of the day, which is a lucky thing for a girl who likes to sit on her front stoop. It’s not even 60 degrees out there, but I had breakfast wearing only a tshirt and jeans. It was heavenly!

Fair trade coffee from Trader Joe’s…

And a spinach smoothie with banana, soy milk and flax seed.

And look who joined me for some sunbathing!

Chawser LOVES to hang out on the stoop with us when it’s warm out. We’ll open the door a bit and he’ll venture out at his own pace. We’ve (miraculously) trained him to only stay on the stoop, not to go off onto the driveway or the surrounding gardens. I’m sure if we weren’t out there to regulate him, he’d dart off in whatever direction, but he will sit right next to me for as long as I’ll let him. It was so nice to have a breakfast mate.

My other breakfast mates were two succulents that I have managed to make ill with my incredibly inept green thumb. I was hoping the sun would inspire them back to health. I thought you weren’t supposed to be able to kill these things!

Nothing whatsoever is perfect in my world and I have constant stresses and worries, but this day makes it all seem a little bit simpler. Also? Days like this are why I quit my job. Because I would wake up back then, and head into work, enjoying the heck out of my commute for its amazing views of the city from the Manhattan Bridge, for its ten-minute walk from the subway to the office through a bustling, energizing midtown Manhattan. And then I’d always feel my heart sink a little as I walked into the dark, gloomy office, knowing that I wouldn’t re-emerge for nine hours. And as much as I loved the salary, I always thought, This is not a reasonable trade-off for me. This is not good enough.

Today, even though I have a To Do list ten miles long, a budget to worry about, a bank account I’d love to add a few more zeros to, and an all-around imperfect life, I’m thrilled to get to go for a jog in the spring weather, on MY schedule, when I feel like it. Imperfection is perfect today.

the coffee shop

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Before I get down to a proper entry today, I have to wish a great, big Happy Birthday to the one and only Michelle Ward, the When I Grow Up Coach! Have a wonderful day today, Michelle! I have a feeling this next year is going to be huge for you.

………

So, my day to day schedule is a bit of a different animal right now than it was at the end of 2009. When I left my job in mid-October last year, I was able to spend a few weeks relaxing, enjoying my free time, and letting each day take me where it would. But my ambitions quickly got the best of me and I ended up diving headfirst into what would ultimately become the Fanny & Jane 2009 Holidaze Craze. During that period, I worked long hours, slept very little and always had a To Do list that was longer than there were minutes in the day for me to tackle it. If you were along for that ride, you know what a boot camp it was.

And now that December is well behind us, vacation has been enjoyed, and we find ourselves right in the thick of January, with its bitter winds and limited daylight, my days look very different than they did a month ago when I was constantly covered in chocolate, flour and anticipation. And figuring out what to do with all this unstructured time has been an interesting challenge. I’m met with a feeling like the one I had in the weeks just after I quit my job, before the bakery got really busy – What day is today? What am I doing with my time? How can I possibly be expected to wake up before 10am?

Of course there’s plenty to do, there always is. I could do laundry, I could clean, I could get a head start on my taxes. I could finally rearrange the light bulb/garbage bag/cleaning supplies cabinet under the sink.

But ugh! Who wants to do any of that!? Rearranging cabinets is the kind of thing I do when we’re already cleaning the house. Or when I can’t find something I need and I end up spilling everything out on the floor and throwing half of it in the trash in a furious fit of There’s Too Much Crap I Never Use In This House We’re Selling Everything And Moving To The Woods Are You Coming Or Not Pack Up The CAAAATS!

And why would I ever want to avoid that kind of frenzy? That stuff gets me up in the morning.

Kevin and I are both working from home now and as lovely as it can be, as happy as I personally am to be, say, sitting at my kitchen table sipping coffee at 11am on a random Thursday, rather than answering a constantly ringing switchboard, it’s a little harder to focus at home on days when there’s nothing urgent to be focusing upon.

I definitely have bakery stuff to work on – lots of it, in fact. I am committing in 2010 to growing and building Fanny & Jane to the best of my ability. I’m going to continue to be a full-time business owner this year and find out where that takes us. And that’s great. So some days I have to spend the entire day baking, which is a lovely way to spend an afternoon and certainly makes one feel productive. But other days, the bakery work is strictly computer work – bank accounts, customer service, invoicing – all the little administrative odds and ends that go into running this biz.

And when the sunlight’s pouring in the front windows and your boyfriend wants to chit chat and your favorite news anchor is just so delightfully dry and clever, it’s hard to sit down and focus on computer work.

So Kevin and I together decided yesterday that we had to get out of the house if we were going to get any work done. We got up, got showered and dressed (a bit later than we’d planned to, but nobody’s perfect) and finally made our way to a comfy coffee shop two subway stops from our apartment. It felt like a mini-commute, as I lugged my mom’s old laptop (thanks mom!) in my bag. We arrived at the coffee shop and instantly found two plush chairs and a table where we could nestle in.

I realize that the custom of someone without a regular 9-5 desk job spending some daylight hours at a coffee shop, borrowing WiFi and sipping something warm, isn’t a new one. But can you believe it’s the first time I personally have done it – perhaps ever? I never had my own laptop until my mom and step dad generously donated their old one to my cause. Plus, until recently, I’ve had a 9-5 desk job for as long as I can remember. So there just hasn’t been an occasion to do work at a coffee shop.

As you can imagine, I was smitten with the experience. It was a blast! And sort of a dream come true.

The sunlight was streaming into the window in my little nook, I enjoyed a bran muffin and a cup of coffee whose flavor I did not care for, but whose fancy mug, I delighted in. And I sat in that corner for several hours, accomplishing task after task. You really come up plenty to do on the ol’ computer when you’ve left yourself no other option. I banged out emails I’ve been meaning to send for weeks, I worked on spreadsheets, I brainstormed, I researched. It was a productive few hours. I’d like to think that I would have gotten that much done had I been at my desk at home, but we all know that’s not true. For one thing, Oprah comes on at 4pm and if I’m home for it, you can bet I’m watching it. (Unless it’s a rerun or one of her concert-shows, for which I do not tend to care.)

So all, in all, that coffee shop experience was a lovely time. And even though I am not able to pack up and head out again this morning, the excitement of getting so much done yesterday has inspired me to wake up early today, make some breakfast and coffee and sit down at my kitchen table, crack open the the laptop and officially get some more work done! I think I’m onto something here. Isn’t it nice when you find a way to trick yourself into being productive?

I wonder if I’m making it sound like I’m remedial when it comes to my time management skills. Let’s just say that I’m a recovering time-waster. As a kid, I could waste time like it was my career path. Now that I’m an adult, I try to keep a leash on that tendency, but my true nature is always there under the surface.

I have a feeling you’re going to be hearing a lot more about my trips to the coffee shop.

Oh, by the way! Stay tuned for a big Fanny & Jane sale this afternoon! If you miss it on Twitter or Facebook, I’ll post something this evening on follow my bliss.

the end and the beginning

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This is the full photo of the shot that now graces the header of follow my bliss. I’m in love with this photograph.

The garden in front of our house is doing fascinating things these days, as the warm weather flirts with leaving us for good until spring, and the cold seems to be fluffing its feathers up for its grand entrance. The duel climates make for interesting outfits worn by the humans and interesting processes experienced by the plants.

Some of the trees in our neighborhood are completely dead, naked, ready for winter. And some still have green leaves. And in our front yard, some blossoms are dying while others are just popping open – on the same plant!

That photo, which I snapped earlier in the week, is of a yellow flowering plant who is partially alive and partially dead. The hay-colored floral skeletons are, obviously, the dead blossoms, and the bright yellow and green ones are the brand new flowers.

Our beautiful rose bush is doing the exact same thing – crunchy dead leaves and blossoms right next to buds that are ready to burst open and meet the world for the first time.

I just cannot get over this. It seems like some kind of phenomenon.

And I decided to put it as the new header on the blog, to represent this new phase in my life.

As much as I adored that old header photo of Chawser, our red cat, trapped behind a big iron door, staring out into a world beautiful sunshine that was just beyond his reach, it’s not a metaphor for my life anymore!

But old things dying while new things are being born – well, that’s a little more along the lines of what I’m going through right now. Old habits, patterns, and routines are dying. And I’m replacing them with new ideas, rhythms and experiences. These days, I’m learning more about who I am than I’d learned in two years sitting at that desk job. And the juxtaposition of old and new, life and death, the end and the beginning is striking.

On a more down-to-earth note, I’m BUSY AS HELL RIGHT NOW! GAH! I asked for this, certainly, by opening up our Fanny & Jane Holiday Shop online and choosing to take on most of the workload because Faryn’s got a full time job in an office these days (one that she really likes, though). But boy oh boy. With Thanksgiving just a week away, and our lovely friends and friends of friends wanting to support us with their orders, we are swamped. It’s a great problem to have, as they say. And as I stare down the barrel of having to produce 400 Red Velvet Cake Bites within the next 24 hours, I’m only slightly terrified.

Lucky (very very oh so very lucky) for me, my darling boyfriend stayed home today to help me get a ton of stuff baked, packaged and shipped out. And he also helped me organize a schedule, which has calmed my nerves considerably. After a nice long walk to the post office (the one farther away has better service than the one nearby), we broke for a well-deserved late lunch at a diner, and now we’re back home, awaiting Faryn’s arrival, so that the three of us can spend the evening baking sweets for the United States of America.

I cannot believe this is my life now. I cannot believe that this isn’t just a day off from the desk job, that this isn’t just a weekend or a vacation, but that this is my life. There is no desk job to return to on Monday morning. I bake and sell sweets for a living right now. Holy cow.

And it’s just the beginning.

….back to work. I can honestly say I haven’t worked this hard, day in and out, in a long time. It’s pretty awesome.

the first month

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Jen 1457

Yesterday, I happened upon an old post of mine, entitled “do what makes you happy (?)“, which I wrote back in May when I was still very much at the desk job. I knew I desperately wanted to leave but I didn’t see when or how I’d be able to make it happen any time in the immediate future. I’d been writing follow my bliss for almost six months.

I remember that particular day quite well, in fact. It was a beautiful day, one of the first very warm and summery ones of the season and I was absolutely beside myself at having to be inside sitting at a desk. Not being able to enjoy amazing-weather days was one of the reasons I had decided, back at the beginning of that year, that I couldn’t work in an office any more. I wanted to be able to enjoy the world and not let my youth pass me by. Maybe it sounded frivolous and childish to some, but yes, I wanted to be out in the sunshine.

I was so frustrated that morning. I’d been good about being positive and hopeful and working toward my goals. I’d felt proud of how I’d stayed focused on making progress and not wallowing in the discontent of my present circumstances, but I woke up that morning just feeling overwhelmed by everything. I wanted to gripe and moan.

I wrote:

It’s rewarding to be working toward the small business venture and other personal goals. But I’m feeling down today. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I want to snap my fingers and change it all in an instant. I want to have left this job, be baking and selling sweets, be freelance writing, be taking yoga class every single day. I want an instant lifestyle makeover. I know that’s a lot to ask for.

I had to stop and reread that paragraph two or three times yesterday. I know that I set out to leave my job and do things that made me happier, which is why I’m where I am today. And I know that I started a bakery with a friend so that I could bake and sell sweet treats. But it was still strange – and thrilling – to read what I’d wanted out of my life six months ago, what I’d daydreamed about and felt like I might never achieve.

AND HERE I AM! AHHH!

I have to tell you that it was a personally awesome moment for me when I read that paragraph, took a look around and found myself having finally made my wish into reality. How amazing.

It was akin to remembering the middle of my journey to lose 115 pounds. There were times when it was easy, when the pounds melted off. But there were also times when it was hard as hell. When I wanted french fries, nachos, eleven slices of pizza and every cookie in the box. And I just wished and hoped and prayed that losing all the weight would one day become real. And then, one day, it did. Making progress is so fulfilling.

Another thing that struck me about that particular paragraph was that I’d said I wanted to bake and sell sweets. And I also said that I wanted to be taking yoga class every day. And that I wanted to be writing.

Now, I know those things about myself – that I love to write and take yoga class. But it’s very easy to make excuses for not doing things that I love to do, even now. I’m too busy, the bakery needs my attention, I’m too tired, I have nothing to write about, I don’t need to do yoga every day, I don’t need to do yoga every other day, I’m still finding out who I am and what I want. Going to yoga class costs money, it’s not going to earn me any money. Sitting down to write takes time, it’s not my focus right now.

All those things might be true. But it’s also true that there was a time when my vision for my perfect life included a few simple things. And sure, that vision will always be morphing and changing, but those are such easy things to add into my life! There was a time when I wanted more yoga and more writing, and I still want more of those things. And there’s no reason I can’t have them today. In that sense, it was enlightening to check back in with who I was when this reality was just a dream. And I owe it to the girl who sat at that desk every day for years and years to make sure I’m now really doing the things I set out to do. I am reminded of how much I craved this time back them. I am reminded of how desperately I wanted and needed to have a different lifestyle, and how elated I would have been if I’d actually been able to snap my fingers and change it all in an instant.

I’m still as pleased as ever with my decision to leave my job. It was, I maintain, one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It almost makes me want to cry sometimes to realize how grateful I am that I’ve done this.

But life is life. Good, bad, hard, fun, boring, thrilling, tiring, rewarding and all the rest of it in between. And it can be easy to grow accustomed to the day to day. And there are good days and harder days.

There are days when I’m content and relaxed. When I just want to scoop the whole world up and hug it because I’m so happy and feel so lucky to be alive, to be 29 years old (which remains, one week into it, to be an excellent age, by the way), to be standing at the beginning of the best years of my life, with my fantastic boyfriend, who happens to be my best friend, by my side, living in the best city in the world, building my life to be exactly what I want it to be.

And then there are days when I feel grouchy, moody, frustrated, worried, stressed and when I feel small and incapable. Sometimes I feel like I won’t succeed. Like I will be back in a paycheck job in six months. There are days when I feel completely blah. Human. Normal. Days when I feel nothing. Because you can’t have joy without pain and you can’t have excitement without boredom.

And that’s okay with me. Being blissfully happy all the time was not the goal. The goal was living my life how I wanted to live it. The honeymoon is ending and I’m coming into the phase of this journey where it’s my normal. I left my job almost exactly one month ago. And I can sometimes hardly remember what it was like to go to that office every day. (On second though, if I try for a second I could probably remember it exactly.)

This is my life now – the good, the bad, the indifferent.

I also wrote in that post about the fear that was sometimes crippling to me:

…fear of being broke, fear of leaving a “good” job that allows the people who care about me (myself included) to sleep at night, fear of ending up exactly where I dream of going and discovering that it’s not what I wanted at all, fear of having what I want and learning how hard it really is, fear of missing my desk job, fear of choosing a road less traveled, fear of making the wrong choice, the right choice, the impulsive choice, the overly-planned choice, fear that I’m running away from something or toward the unknown, fear of not having built any kind of real career for myself by now, fear of being judged, fear of being laughed at, fear of being lonely…

And the truth is? All those fears are still here. But they’ve quieted substantially. Because the quickest and easiest way to quiet fear is to do what you’re afraid of. Done and done. If you think there’s a ghost in the closet, open the closet and find out. (That’s a real life example.)

I will still worry and have anxieties about whether or not I will succeed. But the very act of getting up every day and actively living my new lifestyle gives those fears no true voice. And that’s something I want to share with anyone who’s still at the beginning of their journey to follow their bliss:  the fears we have will never go away, but they are completely meaningless. Holding onto the fear and making decisions based on the fear does nothing to bring us closer to our goals and dreams, it only provides something for our tired brains to chew on when we’ve got nothing else to obsess about. And it also gives the fear all the power. If anyone’s holding the power, it should be YOU. You are not your anxieties and worries.

The last paragraph of that old post said:

The beautiful and painful bottom line of the whole self-created saga I’ve laid out here is that I and I alone am the only person who can make these choices and take these actions and nothing anyone says – not my boyfriend or my mother or my boss or my grandfather – is going to create what’s true for me. What’s true for me is what I decide to make true for me.

So I made it true. Here I am. I still don’t have a solid understanding of what will happen, what my life will look like, say, a year from now – when I turn 30, for instance. But if the last month is any indication, it’s going to look pretty great. I’m happy, healthy, active, LIVING MY DREAM, and creating more dreams to work toward. And it’s The Best.

perks and changes

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One of the perks of my new lifestyle is that I find myself in different neighborhoods in New York at different times of the day – times when, before, I would have been busy entering data or answering phones at my old desk job. I love being out and about in New York City. It’s part of the reason I’ve lived here for over 11 years and don’t see myself moving anytime soon.

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I often have to make deliveries for Fanny & Jane to different places in the city, and I used to squeeze them in during lunch breaks or before work, but now, making the deliveries is part of my job! My new job. Which is a great job, by the way.

So now I get to take my sweet time traveling around town when I make these deliveries. I’ve gotten to see lots of interesting office buildings I’d probably never otherwise visit (I was at the massive advertising agency, JWT, the other day. Their offices are enormous and stunning.), and I’ve gotten to take trips to lots of neighborhoods in which I don’t otherwise spend much time.

On Tuesday, I found myself right near Grand Central. The sun had just set, you know, at like 4:00pm (It’s such an adjustment, isn’t it? Every year!), and after I dropped off an order of 60 Red Velvet Cake Bites at a building nearby, I decided to venture into the Grand Central Market.

It’s a narrow marketplace inside Grand Central Station, filled with specialty meats, cheeses, breads, coffees, fruits, and sweets and it’s always been closed every other time I’ve walked by, making me very curious. Of course, I had to stop in.

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Once inside, I was delighted. I found myself standing in what is essentially a busy and long hallway of gourmet food, most of which is way too expensive for my budget, but it was all nice to look at. The aromas alone were incredible. I walked around gazing at fancy cheeses and dreaming of a day when money is no object.

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As if all this weren’t enough to make my afternoon special, I’d already had another adventure earlier in the day. I’d found myself on the west side of Manhattan just as the sun was setting. This is the perfect time of day to be in that neighborhood, as the light dances off the buildings and the river. I was making another delivery of Cake Bites to another fancy office building and when I walked out to head back to the bus, I looked up to see the High Line.

If you don’t live in New York, you might not know that the High Line is a brand new park just opened this summer, which runs along the west side of Manhattan, and is built onto old elevated train tracks that were unused and abandoned for years before someone decided to turn them into a park.

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Many New Yorkers have already made their way up to the High Line by now, but I hadn’t gotten around to it yet.

Interestingly (to me, at least), when I first started college in 1998, my acting school studio was located right next to the train tracks that are now the High Line. I walked by it every day, and would often look up to it and wonder why it wasn’t being used. It was strange to be back in that neighborhood, which has changed SO DRAMATICALLY since I moved to New York.

I’d spent many years during many different phases of my life hanging out on those few blocks. I remember walking to that neighborhood for the very first time ever as a 17-year-old college Freshman, noticing how incredibly far away it felt from the rest of the city. When I first moved to New York, I was not used to walking the distances that you’re expected to walk in this town. I got used to it very quickly, however.

I also remember noticing how incredibly dingy and forgotten that west side ‘hood felt at the time. Then I thought about how I used to fill my car up at the gas station on the corner (during the ill-fated months that I had a car in the city), and how I used to walk through Chelsea Market, a fresh food marketplace that has since become famous for its wares, when it had just opened and there were only a few vendors inside.

I thought about how I’d walked up and down those blocks fat, skinny, broke, not broke, as an acting school student, as an employee of my former acting school, in the midst of severe depression, in the midst of getting better. I even remember exactly where I was standing on West 16th Street when I said the words aloud to myself, “I lost 100 pounds,” because I hadn’t yet, but I was practicing what it would feel like to be able, one day, to say that I had.

The point is, it’s a neighborhood very much a part of my having grown up, in a sense, in New York City. It was thrilling to see it alive with so many shops, restaurants and young, exciting companies, and of course, this beautiful elevated park that boasts rare views of the river, New Jersey and the rest of Manhattan, especially at sunset.

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So I had to walk up to the High Line. And I’m glad I did. Even though I had other deliveries to make and part of my brain was tugging on me to be on my way and not stop and gawk at my surroundings.

But then I remembered! This is why I quit my job! So that my time is my own to do with what I please, so that I can enjoy my life and revel in being a young woman in the prime of her life in this amazing city. I would not have gotten to see this park at this particular time of day on this particularly balmy November afternoon, had I not quit my job and started a sweets company that allows me to travel around delivering sweets to hungry New Yorkers.

And that’s all there is to it. That alone is reason enough to believe that this transition has been the right move at this time in my life.

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And of course I couldn’t help but become a little sappy and reflective about how far I’ve come. If you’d have told me 7 years ago, when I was filling up my little Honda at that gas station as an obese, miserable young lady trying to figure my way out of the mess of my life, that I’d one day be walking along these very streets in such a strong, positive, spiritually wealthy place, and working for my own small business, I’m not sure I would have believed you.

Here’s to progress. Neighborhoods change. And people do too.

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after one work week

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Before I write this post, I wanted to mention that I’ve gotten a couple emails from readers recently who want to see more photos of me on the blog. Hm! This surprised me to hear, but I appreciate the feedback. I’m not sure I’m going to start adding a lot of photos of myself as a regular thing, but I’ve saturated this post with them, at least. If you don’t wanna see my face over and over, skip this entry.

Today marks the end of my first week working for myself.

My last day at the desk job was in mid October. And once I was finally free and clear, we had a big ol’ party, and then I took a vacation. It was blissful.

The vacation involved spending an entire week right here in New York doing next to nothing. Naturally, the days still got filled up – I cooked, baked, hung out with friends, saw shows, exercised, grocery shopped in the middle of the day – I didn’t end up doing much lolling around. But it was still time very well spent. I felt relaxed, in control, peaceful, content. And even though I had to constantly remind myself that this wasn’t just a vacation week from my desk job, but actually the beginning of an entire lifestyle change, I was thrilled and grateful every time I remembered.

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True to my word, I woke up on Monday morning of this week, the vacation week having ended, and got to work on my own stuff. No more laying around watching TV or drinking beer with friends at 4:30 in the afternoon. (Although if I had a strong urge to do that, I’d probably check with my boss to see if it was okay. And she (me) would probably say, HELL YES.)

This week it was finally time to focus on my own projects and to do what I set out to do when I told my old job that I was quitting: Pursue work I’m passionate about. So far, it’s been interesting. And awesome. And, at times, challenging. But I’m all in all, I’m loving it.

As I mentioned, I have decided, not surprisingly I suppose, that the bakery my girlfriend and I have been working to get off the ground since the spring, can now use some of my more focused attention. Faryn and I began building Fanny & Jane when we were both working full time, and it was hard to fit it all in. We spent lots of late nights and weekends and early mornings organizing our little business.

Before I left my desk job, I wasn’t sure if I’d want to focus some of my energy on the bakery or not.  But now that I’m here, it hasn’t taken long for it to dawn on me that the business we’ve been tirelessly setting up for ourselves would be the perfect way for me to spend my time and earn some extra money.  Besides, our recipes are burning holes in our desk drawers – why not really go for it and sell some sweets this holiday season!  So that’s exactly what we’re going to do.

And that’s precisely what most of my week this week has involved.

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(This is Faryn and me. Photo by the gifted photographer, Eric Michael.)

I spent a relatively leisurely day on Monday at the computer, emailing with Faryn, working to build our new website, complete with an online shop (which we hope to launch in the next few days!), and generally organizing myself around the idea of spending now until December 20th, more or less, baking and shipping and invoicing and baking. I took a long break in the middle of the day for a run, and I got a lot accomplished. All in all, it was a delightful day “at the office,” where my coworkers are two sleepy cats and the sunshine is right outside my front door.

Heaven. And exactly what I’d wanted and imagined when I daydreamed of quitting my job a year ago.

The rest of the week, however, wasn’t so luxuriously ideal.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not stuck in an office. And “anything but the office” has been my motto for quite some time.

But I don’t have it all quite figured out yet.

My sleep schedule has been screwy, finding me wide awake at 4am, and having to take a nap here or there in the middle of the day to catch up.

Harvard Sailing Team and Baldwins rehearsals and shows were added back into my life this week, where, miraculously, I didn’t have any rehearsals or shows during my vacation week. That’s something that happens maybe only twice a year – a week without any shows. So those things became part of my schedule again this week – not a big deal, but something to work with.

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(This is my good friend Meg and me during one of our Baldwins improv shows. Photo courtesy of the incredibly talented Keith Huang, who is also a good friend.)

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(This is me during the Harvard Sailing Team Holiday Special last December, doing a sketch with my friend Adam. This photo is also courtesy of Keith Huang, who has never taken a bad photograph.)

Not to mention, the large amount of baking I’ve gotten done this week – fulfilling several orders from Faryn’s coworkers and our friends and family. This has not been the first week that I’ve had to bake during every free moment this year, and it will not be the last. But it was the first time I was doing it instead of a full time job – baking when I would have otherwise been answering phones at reception or signing for fed ex packages.

Of course, I loved that. That, again, is why I quit. Because I imagined myself doing things like baking all day, instead of filing paperwork or sending faxes. But getting organized and staying within a baking schedule was something new and sometimes difficult.

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(That’s me standing in my mom’s kitchen in Illinois in the spring, in the middle of a long day baking sweets for my aunt’s surprise birthday party.)

A common struggle I’ve heard from people who’ve left their jobs for one reason or another is that you imagine you’ll have all this time. And then the days pass and they get filled right up and suddenly you’re busier than you’ve ever been, even though you’re no longer going to an office for 9 hours every day. I’ve had the exact same experience this week. Where did the time go!?

And I’m choosing to find a way to make peace with it all. Because I didn’t quit my job to be all stressed out and upset over how many fun, easy, cool things I now get to do all day long. Fitting them all in takes finesse, but the rewards are great and I will learn.

Forgive me if I’m repeating myself from earlier posts this week. I just needed to reiterate this for myself.

Financially, I’ve done pretty well for myself this week, which is excellent. It’s only week one, but it’s a good feeling to know that money is still coming into my life, even when I’m not a salaried employee.

I’ve learned that I need to be gentle with myself. Just because I have many more available hours in my day now doesn’t mean that I can and should pack them full and expect to accomplish everything under the sun. I cannot make promises to people that I can’t keep in terms of my time just because I’m no longer working a desk job. I cannot create a To Do list that is ten miles long and then feel disappointed, rushed, and stressed when it doesn’t get completed. I cannot be unrealistic with how much I can fit into a day. And I cannot start shoving aside the very things that I require to feel whole – like exercise, yoga, sleep, eating healthy food – in order to make everything fit into its place. I skipped a couple workouts this week and I don’t have the “I’m so busy with this stupid desk job!” excuse any more. The only excuse I have now is that I chose not to make the time for myself. It’s eye-opening to realize that the desk job wasn’t the only thing – and maybe not even the main thing – keeping me from spending my time how I wanted to.

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I’ve also been reminded this week that nothing is perfect – that even this time, which is, in theory, one of the most exciting times of my life, will still have unpleasant aspects. I will still be running late to things sometimes, and I will still have to break promises sometimes, and I will still oversleep and be upset with myself for half of the day over it sometimes, and I will still overeat sometimes, and I will still not do things perfectly sometimes. It’s life.

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(Me, just after waking up, in Charleston, SC on a trip last year with Harvard Sailing Team.)

Beyond those challenges though, this has also been an amazing week, and the net result of all this is that I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my adult life.

I realize that might sound like a grand statement, but it’s true. My life from ages 17-21 sucked, to be blunt. And then, as I improved things slowly but surely, I had to swallow the bitter pills of young adulthood that we’re all faced with: working jobs I hate, living in apartments that are crappy, living paycheck to paycheck. And as earnestly as I tried to find happiness within those unpleasant experiences, it’s not until now that I’ve finally found myself in a place where I can take matters into my own hands, where money doesn’t dictate what I do day in and day out, where I finally feel all the pieces falling into place in ways that I only dreamed of when I was 21 years old and despondent over the mess I’d made of my life.

Things are so good right now. This is all so good. I’m spending my days and nights baking sweets, taking photos, rehearsing comedy, exercising, cooking, and commuting around New York City. And I’m not broke and I’m not overweight and I’m not unhappy and I’m not uninspired and I am about to turn 29. And it’s just so incredibly good.

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(Kevin and me in Florida last year.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up my apartment and start making a huge feast of veggie lasagna, chopped salad and garlic parmesan bread – some of my very best friends are coming over tonight for our first monthly Western Brooklyn Supper Club (which is basically just the members of Biggest Loser Club getting together to eat dinner, instead of getting together to watch Biggest Loser). I can’t wait to hang out with my friends on this HallowsEve!

Thank you again to everyone who has been so incredibly supportive and kind toward me throughout the experience of leaving my job and starting a new life. I cannot thank you all enough for your readership and for your cheerleading. I could not do this without you. And I would not be where I am right now without the experiences and friendships that writing this blog has brought into my life. So, thank you.