things are revving up

Posted on October 29, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

Jen 125

It’s 3:30am and I’m up. I’m nocturnal. I always naturally have been. My grandmother is too. (Except then she still wakes up at 6:30am. I do not.)

This is a photo from a Harvard Sailing Team photo shoot back in March, I think. The talented photographer and delightfully nice guy, Eric Michael, photographed us for half a day. (He also takes great photos of my best friends, Billy and Adam, for their hip hop comedy duo, Snakes.)

That’s me in the photo, taking the picture, Chris on the left and Clayton on the right. We’re all being weird.

So, today was another long one. It was raining today. I went to a therapy session, met Kevin for lunch, finally bought a Halloween costume, then I came home and baked a cake.

Next on the agenda was to head back out to see Kevin’s improv show and perform in my own. Disappointingly, I tried to do some yoga before I left and I ended up not having enough time to finish the podcast I was listening to. It’s only 25 minutes long but I just didn’t have time. Boo. That was unfortunate.

After the improv shows, which were funny and silly, I came home, baked another double batch of cake and made a big batch of frosting. Kevin frosted the first cake (God bless him) and then I wrote “Happy Birthday Charlie” on it. And then we cleaned the kitchen up. And here I am.

And I am wiped out.

In other news, here’s another behind the scenes photo from that HST shoot.

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This is Adam and Chris.

My friend Dave emailed me yesterday and asked if I could bake a Fanny & Jane cake for his friend’s birthday in two days. That’s a rush order, especially since I have three other orders this week to work on. Had I still been working at the desk job, I almost certainly would have said no. But because, theoretically, I have the time, I was able to say yes. It was fun to bake the cake and much better work than sitting at a desk.

Suddenly, I feel busy.

Tomorrow I’m helping Adam and Maggie move, then doing more baking – have to finish my three other orders, and then we’re having girls birthday drinks with Faryn.

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Faryn, left. Me, right.

Friday evening is our new Brooklyn Supper Club – at my house – and in addition to cooking, I have to deliver Fanny & Jane sweets during the day.

Saturday, Halloween, I’ll have the day totally free. Yes! And then I’ll go perform in the Oddbody show and the Harvard Sailing Team show.

On Sunday, we rest.

It’s interesting to me now that I sit down to write about this – I’ve realized something. Yes, that’s a good amount of stuff, and yes, I have to run around to a lot of different places. Frankly, that might be the most exhausting part. Everything you do in this city requires a solid 10-25 minutes of walking to get there, even if you take the subway. You still have to walk to the subway, and up the stairs and down.

You know this. Why am I telling you this.

The point is, it can be exhausting running around this city. And I felt exhausted today. And when I sat down to figure out a schedule for myself for the next few days, since I have lots of little things to accomplish, I felt overwhelmed by how much there was to organize. Also, cutting short that yoga session today really bummed me out. I shouldn’t have done that.

But, ah ha, it’s still all better than the damn office! Of course it is. I’d gladly run around this town doing these things – helping my best friend move, delivering sweets for my bakery business, performing in comedy shows, going to therapy – any day. It’s great, really.

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This is Billy.

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This is Adam.

So I’m going to stop fretting about “much I have to do” in the next few days, because really? I don’t. It’s not that much. And everything I do have to do is fun.

Oh and I’m going to make more time to do yoga. Period.

wednesday

Posted on October 22, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

I’m quite content, y’all. I can actually feel my internal pace slowing down. And it feels really good. I’ve needed this.

After a great night last night hanging out with some of my very best friends, watching The Biggest Loser (we have a new Biggest Loser Club) and eating a big meal that we all prepared together, I woke up this morning with no real plans for the whole entire day. That wasn’t the case on Monday and Tuesday, when I had most of the day free, but still had an obligation in the afternoon.

But today, nothin.

I slept in a bit, just a bit, and when I woke up, Kevin took a break from his work and decided to make us a big breakfast. He’s a master of the breakfasts in this house. He made scrambled eggs with cheese, red pepper and onion and it was delicious.

After some computer time while I finished my coffee, I took a long, invigorating jog/walk through Prospect Park, stopped off at the bank, and then continued on gawking at the incredible fall colors and exploring new paths in the park that I hadn’t visited before. Prospect Park is absolutely stunning right now, so I’m going to go for a bike ride tomorrow to snap a few shots to share with everyone.

So that was awesome. Obviously.

And the whole time my mind raced with ideas for what I’m going to start doing with myself come Monday, how I’m going to loosely organize my time and what I’ll work on. A priority, I’ve identified, besides the work I do, will be self care. Time each and every day for myself. A workout, a therapy session, time alone to read and relax, or time to watch TV and veg out – things that make me feel happy and pampered. I deserve that. We all do. I work too hard in my life not to take those hours for myself each and every day. (So do you, by the way.)

When I came home from my run, I found this:

And this:

And this! Which came in the mail from my mom! Awwww…

Thanks, Mom!! (She also sent us a little cash! We’re gonna go out for a drink with it sometime soon.)

In the afternoon, I laid around on the couch for a while, then made Kevin and I some lunch – just leftovers – and eventually I went to the grocery store, meal plan in hand. It was a fun, relaxing stress-free trip. It wasn’t rush hour, I had my plan all figured out, and I wasn’t in a hurry. Imagine that.

This was a great day.

I don’t plan to continue writing about this journey just by telling you what I do each day. I realized that that has been the theme of my last few entries. But the truth is that the details of what I’m doing right now and how I’m spending my time are fascinating to me so far. I almost can’t believe it. Except that I’m living it, so I know it’s real.

I’m really happy. I’m in heaven. I recognize that this feeling might end, or change, or shift. I recognize that this too will become old someday. I also know that things will soon be busier for me, as I start to add more things onto my list. But no matter how things shift in the immediate or distant future, all that matters to me today is how happy I am today.

Honestly, as mundane and regular as the last few days have been, they’ve almost have been reason enough to quit my job. The sense of freedom, relaxation, and respect for myself that I have found in this short time is very refreshing.

I’m excited about next week. I’m eager to structure things a bit more. But in the meantime, I’m still enforcing this week’s vacation as much as possible until Monday. It’s important for me to really take this time for myself. Beyond that, Kevin and I have been having excited conversations about my options, what I intend to do and how best to execute it come Monday. He’s such a great support.

I went to see a friend’s show in the city tonight, and Kevin had rehearsal, and now we’re home each enjoying a beer.

Tomorrow is more fulfilling simple stuff: lunch with my good friend Sara, a workout, a photography bike ride, and then! A late night comedy show – a “secret” Comedy Central showcase. We’re on The List. Fun!

reminding myself

Posted on September 29, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

Lately, I have been so bizarrely content to lay on the couch watching TV for hours that I don’t recognize myself. Part of me is like, Uh oh. The other part of me is like, Rock on, lady. TV rules.

No Mom, I’m not going to lay around watching TV when I no longer have a job. I’m just trying to make a point. I’m tired. Is the point.

The purgatory of these last few weeks is exhausting. Or maybe the years I’ve spent trying to juggle all these commitments of mine are finally catching up to me.

All the stuff I’ve been packing into my days for the last seven or eight years – getting back into school and graduating, the weight loss, the exercise habit, ending a troubled relationship, entering into my first healthy Big Girl Relationship complete with We Live Together Now, the various paycheck jobs, the comedy jobs, more recently the bakery – it’s all stuff I’m so grateful to have and to have experienced. And it’s also a lot of work, lots of hours, lots of things that fill up each day, schedules that find me leaving the house at 9am and returning at 11pm, not yet having eaten dinner. And it’s been that way for a long time. Makes sense, really. I’m in my twenties and I don’t have kids – what better time to pack up my schedule until I can’t see straight. And I’m glad to have done it. Before I had this kind of schedule, I had the kind of schedule where I sat around, fat and unhappy, and did next to nothing. So I’d say this is an improvement. But it’s time to strike a balance between the nothing and the everything.

It’s the New York City way, to pack in as much as possible, but it doesn’t have to be. And not everyone who makes their life here lives that way. As I move into this new phase, I will still have my beloved projects, relationships and commitments, but I’m going to make it my priority to create more time and space between them all too. That down time is something I am starting to require (as I grow gray hair).

I want to be able to cook dinner. Once in a while. And I don’t want to have to schedule it all out to make it fit into my day. I just want to, say, shop for the ingredients in a leisurely fashion, come home, turn on some music or the news and stand around in my kitchen putting it all together. Patiently, calmly, maybe with a glass of wine, maybe without nagging hunger begging me to scrap it all and order Chinese food because it’s 11:30pm and I’m ravenous and going to start throwing a temper tantrum if I don’t eat soon.

I don’t even know what that lifestyle is like, the one where you cook dinner. I honestly haven’t a clue. I’m about to turn 29 years old and I’ve never had that kind of lifestyle. I’m not complaining, I’m just observing. Luckily, it’s up to me to make it so. Maybe I’ll hate it! Can’t wait to find out.

Maybe I’ll get really into decorating my apartment! Or collecting cheap, cute necklaces! Or sewing! (Probably not sewing.) (But maybe!)

Blue and I had drinks and dinner on Saturday night. It was great to spend some time with her and catch up – we had a lovely chat in which we were both able to talk about stuff that was on our minds. It’s a blessing to have her in my life right now, to be able to bounce things off each other and reflect back to each other our experience of these similar journeys we’re on.

After having quit her table-waiting job a little over a month ago, she’s nearing the end of her “30 Days.” It was a month during which she planned to avoid survival jobs, to pursue work she’s passionate about and to find out more about herself. Not surprisingly, this month has taken her places and given her experiences that she wasn’t anticipating. It’s so exciting to hear where she is with it all mentally, and how open she is to laying her expectations aside and responding to her own needs. She’s been doing an excellent job of letting any judgment, her own or other people’s, fall away and that’s not an easy task. I recommend checking out her blog entries about this last month. It’s interesting and inspiring to read her progress.

It wasn’t a coincidence that on my walk to meet up with her on Saturday night I’d been thinking about what my own experience will be like once I’m no longer working. I wonder where I’ll be a month and a half from now. I definitely feel a sense of pressure, applied by myself and no one else, to “figure it out.” To come up, rather quickly, with a new career, a new path, a focused direction out of all these things I’m invested in, and one that can generate income right away. I realized that I’ve been subconsciously telling myself that right now! is the time I should be figuring out that new path – while I’m still at the desk job and I have the time and the paycheck to do so in a risk-free setting. I’ve been telling myself that once I leave here, it is my duty to begin walking down the new path that I’ve neatly laid out. And ASAP.

Ugh. I’ve got to stop telling myself that stuff. Because that’s not what I want out of this.

I’m so done with “asap.” Honestly. Enough is enough with the pressure and the time lines and all the judgment that comes with how long stuff takes, or what pit stops you make along the way. I don’t want to let people down, let myself down, or appear like I made the wrong choice. But I just can’t worry about that. I cannot worry about other people’s expectations for this process, or other people’s feelings that it was a mistake that I quit my job. Any and all success I’ve had in my life has come from following my own time line and listening to my own needs, not adhering to someone else’s. I’m reminded of that saying that goes something like, “Be yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks of you. The people who matter don’t care, and the people who care don’t matter.” Amen.

There is no time line. There is no race. I’m not in any hurry to create anything for myself other than a sense of peace and contentment. And that can come in many forms. I didn’t quit this job so that I could magically manifest the next perfect-for-me career and walk right into it after 3.75 weeks of relaxation and 1.25 weeks of pre-planning.

I quit this job because I’ve never had an opportunity to do something like this before. I quit this job because I never intentionally chose to make a career out of office administration, I just ended up doing so. And now I intentionally choose NOT to do so any longer. I’ve spent the last seven years cleaning up the messes I made in college, paying my penance. There were bills to pay and debt to tend to and weight to lose and emotional baggage to pack into smaller suitcases. Following my professional bliss didn’t seem to fit anywhere within that, nor did I have the emotional maturity to handle something like that at the time. It meant I took the jobs I could get, not the jobs I wanted.

For the first time in my adult life, I don’t have to do something I don’t want to do, be someone I’m not, just because my circumstances make it so. There is such a simple freedom in that.

Right now, I want to know who I am when all I have to do in a day is to cook a healthy dinner. I want to know who I am when I don’t have to show up to an office job every day. I want to know who I am when I have free time to practice yoga, keep my apartment tidy and spend time doing the things that make me happy. I want to know who I am without a weight loss project at my feet, without needing more therapy, without relationships to repair. I’ve learned a lot about myself by writing this blog for the last nine months and by talking to other people who are on or have experienced similar journeys. But I have to continue the learning process now by doing the actual field research. I know I’m very lucky to have the chance to do this, but I’ve worked hard for it, so I guess it’s not really luck so much as it is privilege.

If I stay open to the possibilities and commit myself, when I finally leave this job (three more work weeks!), to doing things that make me feel fulfilled, pursuing work I’m passionate about, and slowing down so that I can fully take in this big, beautiful life I have, I know that the right career path for me will eventually emerge out of that. However long it takes.

It might be right away, but it might not. It might be an instant, obvious choice, but it might not be. I might have already discovered it, or maybe I haven’t. I might have to go work in a cafe, at a bookstore, with children, with old people, with animals, selling shoes, making sandwiches – to make ends meet – or maybe I won’t. Maybe any one of those jobs is the new path. And maybe it’s not.

I’m going to have to constantly remind myself that this is not a race. That I am not on a time line. I’m also going to have to remind myself that my success and happiness is not based on my pace, the amount of activities I can cram into a day, or how far I try to spread my energy. I’m going to have to remind myself that if I show up to my grandparents’ house at Christmas time with a measly job as a coffee shop barista and the announcement that I’m “gonna write a book!” or I’m “gonna travel the world!” or I “still don’t have health insurance!” it’s okay if they all look at me sideways, try to talk me out of it, or don’t talk to me at all. Too bad for them. I’m pretty cool if you get to know me.

My ultimate goal is to create:

A career that lets me feel happy and fulfilled.
A career that allows me to create a work/life balance.
A career that provides me with financial abundance.

That will happen someday, maybe sooner, maybe later. The immediate goal is to discover that career by spending my time in ways that fill me up and make me happy – pursuing projects I’m interested in, spending time with people I enjoy being around, and doing things that I like to do.

This particular blog entry will serve as a reminder for me, something to read and feel encouraged by if I start wondering what the hell I’ve done.

what dreams may come

Posted on September 25, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

I had a dream last night that I was nine months pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant, no. I’m just one of those women who occasionally has very vivid dreams about various stages of pregnancy. I know there are plenty of women out there who never dream about it, but I also know there are plenty of women who do, and I’m one of them. I always have been. I’ve had every kind of pregnancy dream imaginable, and it’s been happening for as long as I can remember.

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was nine months pregnant and that it was finally the exact day of my due date. I’d never had a baby before so I had no idea what to expect. And although I felt very large and immobile, I didn’t feel the slightest rumbling of labor. Physically, I felt totally and exactly the same as I had throughout the last few weeks of the pregnancy. But emotionally, I was anxious, excited and eager to have this damn baby already.

In the dream, I was hanging out with my family, my mom and Uncle Kel and my cousins. And we were all just sort of passing the time, waiting for this baby to come. They were playing cards, chatting, eating, I was resting and waddling around the apartment and anxiously asking everyone when the baby was coming and if we should go to the hospital so that they could check on my progress, or lack thereof. I became convinced that I was going to be one of those women who remained pregnant well past her due date – that I wasn’t going to have this baby and be relieved of this uncomfortable, beached-whale feeling for weeks and weeks. I was distressed, nervous, frustrated and worried about the timeline. I just wanted to have the baby and be done with it! And I felt huge.

I woke up realizing I wasn’t pregnant, which is always a surprise to me when I wake up from a pregnancy dream. You mean, I’m not pregnant?! Weird! I was just totally pregnant! All these baby dreams throughout my life have convinced me that I already know, viscerally, what it will feel like to be pregnant because of how vivid these dreams are. (I’m probably way off, but I guess I won’t find out until I find out.)

Kevin’s on his way to Toronto this morning for an improv festival, and he’ll be gone until late Sunday night. He left early this morning before I was awake, so I sent him a text message when I woke up to say good morning and to tell him that I’d had a wildly vivid nine-month preggo dream. You know, just to freak him out and remind him why he’s glad to be going out of town for the weekend.

He wrote back and said, “Kylene’s interpretation would be that you’re waiting to get out of that office and have your creative life finally be reborn.” Kylene, my mom, is a vivid dreamer too. Personally, I think it’s a genetic trait that she passed onto me. As Kevin has witnessed, my mom and I often discuss our detailed, complicated dreams, trying to decipher what they could mean.

On a whim, and probably because I still felt really connected to the dream, I googled “pregnancy dreams” when I got to work this morning and almost every site I found said exactly what Kevin suggested: Dreams about being pregnant indicate a “new growth in your life and growing creativity.” Also, “pregnancy often represents a new event about to take place in your life, a new creation of yours, or a rebirth of yourself.” I also read that how you feel about being pregnant in the dream, and the circumstances surrounding you, are also supposed to indicate how you feel about the personal rebirth or growth in your life.

In the dream, I felt excited and nervous about having a baby, but I was mostly just anxious to finally move onto the next chapter of my life was a new mom. More than anything else, though, I felt like I was going to be stuck in those final stages of pregnancy forever, like I was in pregancy pergatory and although the end may have been near, it certainly didn’t feel like it. I felt stuck in a state of immovable forever.

I realized when I sat down to write this post that today, September 25, was originally supposed to be my last day at the desk job. When I gave notice at the beginning of the month, I’d planned for today to be my last day, I’d even scheduled a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a workday next week because I hadn’t planned to be working here after today.

And then it ended up that I was going to continue working here until October 16, which was partially my decision. I could have gotten out of it and been gone by today if I wanted to, but I chose not to. It wasn’t a horrible decision, because three more weeks of work really isn’t the end of the world. And it means another paycheck, much of which I’m going to be able to tuck into my little savings account for a rainy day.

But, extra paycheck aside, it kinda sucks to be stuck here well past what feels like my expiration date. I will certainly rejoice when October 16 finally rolls around, probably more so than I would have rejoiced if today were my last day, because I will be so beyond ready to say goodbye to this place forever and ever. I’ve had to laugh lately, as I get ready in the morning and imagine that I’m going to spend yet another day trapped indoors doing mundane office work, because if I don’t chuckle about it, I’m going to kill someone.

It’s like when you finally decide to move out of an apartment you don’t like anymore – during the last few weeks that you live in that apartment, you want to get out of there more than ever before. You’ve finally made the decision to make a change and now you’re really allowing yourself to feel how much you’ve disliked these circumstances – this leaky faucet, this running toilet, the lack of direct sunlight, the tiny closet space – when before, you didn’t mind these circumstances quite so much. It was your home and you made do. But now that you will be moving to a better home, you’re really ready to make the change.

Well I’m noticing the leaky faucets at my desk job more than ever before. I’m noticing (or re-noticing) how unmotivated I feel when I sit here all day long, how the simplest tasks take the greatest effort because I generally feel so uninspired and disconnected. I’m noticing how dark it is in this stupid lobby and how boring it can be to do the same things day in and out. I’m also noticing that the internet can suck your brain dry.

I laid in bed last night before falling asleep and I daydreamed about all the big (and small) ideas I have for not only generating income in the coming months, but also for transforming my life into one where I’m self-employed doing the things that I love. I always have the richest, most productive brainstorms about this kind of thing right before I fall asleep. I guess my plans and my eagerness to make them all realities were absorbed into my subconscious last night, because I certainly dreamed about being in a state of anxious, almost-new-life. Eeeek! It’s exciting. And it’s rewarding to know that even in sleep, I’m gearing up for this new way of living.

did you notice?!

Posted on September 13, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

I changed the web address of this blog from jencurran.wordpress.com to follow-my-bliss.com! (Actually you can type in either address.) I’m so excited to own follow-my-bliss.com.

I had a busy, fun and rewarding weekend. There’s lots of good-energy stuff going on around me right now and I’m enjoying it. I’ll write about it all tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’m off to get some much needed rest. Night!

daily dessert

Posted on September 9, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

Jamaica 005

Yesterday was a long one. Kevin and I woke up sometime in the 6 o’clock hour to head into the city for NYU’s Freshman Orientation at Tisch, where Harvard Sailing Team did a forty-minute set around 9:30am. That’s a tough time of day to perform comedy. But the willing and eager audience of 500 incoming Freshman seemed to have a great time and we had fun performing for them. It was impossible not to think back to my own Orientation over a decade ago and remember how excited, scared and totally unaware I was. Oh, life.

I’d only gotten about three hours of sleep the night before yesterday’s show – I hadn’t been able to fall asleep for some reason – and it made the early morning performance, followed by a full work day, followed by an evening rehearsal all feel rather painful. So when Adam brought two bags of candy – malted milk balls and watermelon sours – into our rehearsal last night, we all cheered and I was so grateful. It wasn’t exactly the healthiest way to energize myself, but I knew a little sugar would do just the trick.

And it worked! I felt great for a solid twenty minutes. Naturally, I soon after crashed down from my sugar flight and was more exhausted than ever. The candy was really yummy, though. It’s not often that I choose regular ol’ candy as my sweet treat for the day. I’m usually into more substantial sweets, but a little candy, although not “real” food necessarily, is a nice surprise sometimes. It reminds me of going to the movies as a kid.

When all my day’s obligations were finally said and done, and while visions of my new life post-desk-job danced in my head, I crawled into bed early last night and slept like the dead. And frankly? I could still sleep for another eight hours. This last week of staying out late, partying and not exercising as much as I want to has taken its toll on my body. It’s interesting how being just a couple years older can do that to you. I could have had a week like this when I was 25 and not have known the difference. Anyone who’s older than me will roll their eyes at this, but I have to mention because it’s just recently hit me – I’m going to be 29 in less than two months!! WHAT. WHAT. How did this happen?! MOM! I’m gonna be 29!! What the hell.

That’s not really related to desserts, but I felt the need to share my shock. 29. I’m practically dead.

i want to simplify

Posted on August 21, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

I don’t think I’ve ever started a job expecting to enjoy it. I’ve expected to not mind it, sure. I’ve expected to maybe meet some nice people and be glad I was getting a paycheck, yes. But I don’t think I’ve ever started a job thinking, “I cannot wait to do this. This is going to be a great experience.”

Isn’t that sad? I’m only 28, so I have plenty of time to find that job for myself. But I’m envious of people who’ve had it already in their lives.

Maybe it’s more about my own attitude than the job itself.

When I was younger, I wanted to be an actor. And when I didn’t want to be an actor, I wanted to be a writer. (I wrote about that here.) So I suppose having the knowledge from an early age that I was “destined” (i.e. that I planned) to be an artist of some kind made it unlikely for me, once grown up, to enter into any kind of just-for-the-paycheck job expecting to enjoy it. I’ve been skeptical of “real” jobs my whole life. I remember being a little kid, walking around my neighborhood daydreaming about adulthood, thinking that there was NO WAY I was going to have a normal job when I grew up. I couldn’t stand the idea. No summers off? Sitting in an office all day? Being bossed around by someone else? Having to get up early each morning? No recess? No THANKS. It made me worry that it was hard and sad to be an adult. And I vividly remember promising myself that my life would be different. Then, life moved along and I grew up and first I wanted gas money and then I wanted rent money. And my promise about the kind of job I’d be willing to have got set aside.

Here are the jobs I’ve had since my first ever job ever at age 15. They are in order:

babysitter
store clerk at Things Remembered (Do you remember that place? Engraved gifts AND keys. At the mall!)
receptionist at a mortgage firm
admin at Follett Books
picker and packer at some school supply warehouse
asst. manager at Crown Books
babysitter
admin at a real estate consulting firm
receptionist at a health care company
membership coordinator at an off-Broadway theater
house manager of an off-Broadway theater
box office manager of an off-off Broadway theater
crowd-mover at DeLaGuarda show*
admin at a music law firm
admin at NYU
receptionist/admin at a music law firm

I wonder if I’m leaving something out. I think I worked for the Gap once for, like, a day.

(*For those who don’t know, DeLaGuarda was a wildly popular theatrical experience-type-show that played in Union Square in New York for five or six years. It closed a couple years ago. It was a huge draw for tourists and native New Yorkers alike, and was also favorite theater experience for certain celebrities. It was sort of a big spectacle with flying performers, rainfall inside the theater, tons of lights and music and fog and balloons. It was a blast. I worked the show for a couple years, moving the crowds from one side of the room to the other while the show went on above our heads and all around us. Once I got kicked in the stomach by one of the flying performers. That sucked. But it was a fun, exciting show. I saw a man propose to his girlfriend in the middle of the show once. That was cool.)

SO. None of the jobs I had, with the exception maybe of the DeLaGuarda job, were particularly exciting places to work. And I did not interview for a single one of those jobs thinking to myself, “This is going to be awesome. I cannot wait to get started.” When I was in my early twenties and not in a good place in my life, I often wondered if I just happened to have a terrible work ethic. If it was just my nature not to want do anything I’m obligated to do. I still wonder that every once in a while, but I don’t really believe it anymore. I’ve always been able to eagerly show up for comedy shows and practices. That’s not necessarily “work” in the traditional sense, but it’s still an obligation. (And there are times when it’s work too.) I’m also able to commit to blogging every day, and to baking orders for Fanny & Jane.

Yesterday, I left the house for work around 9am. I left work that evening the moment our office hours ended and got back to my apartment at 8pm. 11 hours for someone else. By the time I’d had a snack, gone for a run, done a quick yoga session, tidied the kitchen for a few minutes and showered, it was 11pm and I was just sitting down to dinner. For someone who wakes up around 8am every day, eating dinner around 11pm seems off somehow. But in order for me to go to work, come home, and have some semblance of a normal evening, I must use up every single hour in my day without comfortable room for anything else. If I wanted to get in bed by 11pm last night, to get a full nine hours of sleep before it starts all over, I’d have to have gone to bed without eating. That’s ridiculous.

This time, though! I’m not complaining! I’m just pointing out the facts. And while this leave-my-desk-job thing is taking a bit longer to organize (mostly financially) than I’d hoped it would, I’ve realized – yet again – that I have complete control over my circumstances, no matter where I’m at on this journey. If I still need to work a more full-time type “paycheck” job to earn money before I can fully transition out of working for someone else and start working for myself, why does it have to be there? At the law firm? An hour from my house? It doesn’t! I do it because it’s “easy,” because I can wear whatever I want, because I get a salary and health insurance. I do it because it’s what I’ve been doing.

But I bet I could get a job, another paycheck job, with more reasonable hours, much closer to my apartment – in Brooklyn!

It would allow me to have more time for myself during the day, to exercise, grocery shop, relax, or continue to build a more interesting career for myself. And it would make some breathing room for me on the four nights a week I usually spend doing comedy stuff. I want to simplify things. My current situation isn’t working as well as it used to. My needs have changed, so I will too.

So I’ve taken Monday off work and I’m going to walk around my neighborhood and neighborhoods nearby to see if anybody’s hiring! It might yield nothing, but it will be good to start thinking outside the box a little bit. I would happily take a pay cut to be able to work someplace within walking distance of my apartment. And who knows, maybe I can practice being a little bit more positive and open-minded about starting a new job. Maybe I can try to say “I might like it here!” and see what happens.

wake-up call check-in

Posted on August 18, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

So, remember Kevin and my master plan to start waking up at 8am every morning so that we could both get a head start on the day? (Original post on that here.)

Ehhhhhhh – that hasn’t been going so well.

We’ve done it successfully a few times. This morning, for instance, I woke up early, felt refreshed from my night’s sleep, and knew I was going to be able to make a true morning happen for myself. I roused the boyfriend, who was slower to move than I was today, and we eventually got our acts together for a nice morning walk through the park. At 8:15am, it was already 85 degrees and the sun was beating down, so we walked quickly to get it over with, and once home, I collapsed onto the living room floor to watch the morning news while doing some stretches. It was a very nice hour.

Most mornings, however, haven’t been quite as easy breezy. One morning last week, Kevin, who had an easier time waking up that day, tried to convince me to get up so we could stick to our 8am rule, and maybe get in a little exercise. I, and I’m ashamed to admit this but I’m going to anyway, threw a mini temper tantrum. What’s even uglier is that I couldn’t even be bothered to wake myself up fully during my display. I whined and begged and might have even kicked my feet a little bit, all while half asleep. It’s amazing he didn’t walk out of the apartment right then. Needless to say, I went back into a sound sleep for 30 minutes. But I did wake up feeling much more like facing the day than I had half an hour prior.

Who knows, maybe sometimes you really do need that extra 30 minutes of sleep? Maybe my body (and my inner bratty child) was trying to tell me something that morning. It seems that the key, for people like Kevin and me at least, is to be flexible with our sleep needs. We’ve set the guideline, but we have to give ourselves the wiggle room to cheat sometimes. So we’re going to gently keep working toward the 8am goal, fudging it when need be. I still believe that an extra hour in my morning is such a nice way to start the day, especially when I’m not throwing a fit about it.

foggy

Posted on August 17, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

I’m having so much trouble ramping back up into desk-job-speed today.

When I left the office on Friday, it felt like I was walking into more than a regular ol’ weekend. It felt like I was embarking on some kind of summer or holiday vacation. It was kind of like the feeling I used to have in grade school (and high school, and college, and at my job) when I was finally let out for some kind of extended holiday – I believed, maybe if only slightly, that I *might* never return again, that this might just be the vacation that lasts forever. I don’t know why I felt that going into this past weekend. Probably because I wanted so badly to forget about the office for a while.

The two weekends prior to this past weekend were action packed – I was out of town on Long Island shooting stuff with HST, staying up late, getting up early, baking stuff for Fanny & Jane – it was nonstop. So this weekend, with only one cake to bake on Friday and one delivery to make on Saturday (the Fancy Nancy cake!), I was overwhelmed with glee at the idea of having several long periods of time with nothing to do.

I used to be Queen of Doing Nothing. I was very good at it, an expert almost. My skills have been unused in recent months, so I’m a little rusty. And yesterday foiled me. It was a totally free day, Sunday, not a single thing on the calendar. I was excited for this. After a fun Saturday night hanging out with Blue, and then heading to Astoria to see Daniel for a bit, I slept in on Sunday in a major way. Kevin had to get up early to perform an improv set at the Del Close Marathon, so I went back to sleep after saying goodbye to him early that morning and didn’t wake up until noon! NOON! I haven’t slept that late in a long time.

So my big, exciting free day got off to an odd, but relaxing start. After being so surprised that I’d missed the morning, it took me a while to adjust. I basically lolled around doing a variety of internetting, TV watching, cat bothering, and coffee sipping for hours. It was very nice. It was also a bit confusing. My body wasn’t sure what to do with the free time. I’d usually go for a run, or take a walk through the park during the day, but it was almost too hot to be outside for very long. I ended up spending the rest of the day in this foggy state. Kevin came home, I did some yoga while he napped, we went for a run once it cooled off a bit, we went to Queens to see Daniel again, but I never did shake the haze. And I feel that way today too.

Nothing wrong with that – I’m happy to go with the flow. But I think I’ve only just now, after being at the desk job for 7.5 hours already today, realized I’m sitting here answering phones and talking to others. Thank god I’m wearing pants. I don’t think I’d have noticed either way.

The heat does funny things to a person.

wake-up call

Posted on August 5, 2009 by jen @ follow my bliss

I moved into Kevin’s apartment in Brooklyn a year ago. And as much as I was thrilled to be living with my sweetie in a much cleaner, bigger, brighter environment than my old apartment in Queens, the new commute to work, twice as long as my old commute, was an adjustment for me. Namely because it meant less sleep. WHAT.

I have always been a big sleeper. Some people are, some people aren’t, I am. Waking up before I’ve had enough sleep has been, at times in my life, bordering on traumatic for me. (I’m hoping I’ll be miraculously cured of this when I have kids.) You know how some people really don’t respond well to having low blood sugar? If they haven’t eaten in a few hours their personality changes? I’m like that with sleep. It’s the main reason I can’t stay out late anymore. I do not know who I am, nor do I care who you are, past 11pm. I’m a mean old lady. Get used to it.

So it was tough when my wake up time had to change to accommodate the longer commute. Plus, even on days when I had very little to do in the morning, it was suddenly taking me a lot longer to get ready than it had when I lived in Queens. Maybe it was the addition of the boyfriend into my morning routine – the chatting, the smooching, the annoying jokes he’d make, which meant I had to spend time rolling my eyes. Whatever the reason, I could not get my act together.

Still, I was already so put off by having to wake up earlier that I would sleep until the very last possible second, never allowing enough time to get everything done. And if I wanted to do yoga in the morning before work? Or eat breakfast in my own kitchen? Something else had to be skipped. That was the trade off. More sleep + morning yoga = no shower.

Lame.

Finally, being a grown up and all, I decided enough was enough. There’s absolutely no reason, I thought to myself, that I cannot wake up a little earlier to give myself a running start at the day. I work from 10-7, so I leave the house at 9am. If I get up at 8am (instead of 8:52), I will have plenty of time to get ready each morning. Rarely have I set this kind of rule and followed through on it, but I have to start now, I thought. And 8am is really not so early. People wake up at 7am, 6am, PEOPLE WAKE UP AT 5AM. And they don’t seem to mind! If someone can wake up at 5am to go to the gym, or take care of a screaming baby, or operate heavy machinery, I can surely wake up at 8am to eat food and bathe myself.

Well, that was a few months ago. It’s one thing to make a decision and another thing to execute it. There have been times when I’ve gotten up early for one reason for another, but I haven’t been consistent. I decided to start making my own iced coffee and the anticipation of that pleasurable moment when I’d pour the home-brew into a tall glass, sip and enjoy, all without ever leaving the house, was enough to get me out of bed at 8am on the nose for at least a few days in a row. But that didn’t last, since nothing’s new forever, and even though I still looked forward each morning to congratulating myself for being so frugal and environmental, the iced coffee eventually stopped dazzling me and I snoozed until the last second once again.

One of the lovely things about living with a significant other is that you have a live-in coach when it comes to achieving your goals, big and small – you can remind each other not to use so many paper towels or to turn off the lights in the bedroom if you’re not gonna be in there. (Just turn them off. You’re not in there. Just do it.) You can help each other exercise or wake up early or eat more meals from your own kitchen. So, among other small things we’ve done lately (see: iced coffee) to improve our shared quality of life so that we’re both spending less money, wasting fewer resources, and generally feeling more put together, Kevin and committed to each other this past weekend that on Monday morning we would begin, once and for all, our official crusade to wake up no later than 8am every day. Even if we sat in the living room and drooled while gazing at the cats by 8:01, we were going to get up, dammit. It was going to happen. Let us help one another, we said.

So today was Day Three of the 8am No Exceptions Wake-Up Call. The first two days went well, while today was a bit harder for some reason. We went to sleep at a reasonable hour last night and we both slept well, but when 8am rolled around, he tried to talk me out of it, then I tried to talk him out of it. But we got up anyway – phew - and once we were up, it was really lovely. We got a little exercise in on the first two days, which was so great, and today we just took a nice stroll to the nearby coffee shop (we ran out of the life-improving home brewed iced coffee). Then we came back to the apartment where we hung out with the cats, chatted, each made ourselves some breakfast and had a really nice morning together. All before the work day began. Revolutionary. It’s a trend I hope to continue – I’ll let you know how it goes.

Oh and for the record? I know 8am is not even kinda sorta early for a lot of people. I don’t want it to be “early” for me either, but we’re all wired differently. We’ll see what happens! Maybe I can change my stripes.

follow my bliss

Category Archives: sleep