Category Archives: inspiration

exhaustion

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You guys, I’m exhausted. Since Kevin and I got back from Chicago last week we have both been going non-stop.

It dawned on me the other day – this first year of having quit my job is going fabulously so far, I could not have imagined it would work out the way it has – but once it’s over, I think I will look back on it as a hard year too. Sometimes, it’s hard.

There’s a certain sense of pressure to make it all work, to succeed, to accomplish this thing I set out to do. Of course, I’m already doing it, so there’s no sense dwelling in places that aren’t happening now, but we all know that’s easier said than done.

I am so lucky to have so much support and unconditional faith from my mom, my stepdad, my boyfriend, my friends, my cousins, my aunt and uncle, even my therapist. I am a lucky young lady. And I would not be able to do this all without their undying encouragement.

I don’t feel pressure from them to succeed, interestingly. The pressure is from the inside out. I know this life – one I’ve built for my own fulfillment – is possible. So I try to prove it to myself daily.

Even though the next month, with all of its unknowns, always lurks around the corner, I’ve got to remember to check in with where I am right now. I’ve been pleasantly surprised so far, so there’s no reason to assume that won’t keep happening.

I’ve been working long hours and I’m tired. I go non-stop most days. I lay on the couch at night for maybe 30 minutes, if that, before I pick up the next task or project that I work on until early in the morning. These aren’t complaints, just observations. Nobody else has created this but me, so it must be how I work best. Better to turn off the judgment.

This tired is a good kind of tired, though. Tired to the bone from having worked hard for what I want.

i’ve gained 10 pounds!

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Quitting my job, still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, has had one less than desirable impact on my life: I’ve gained ten pounds.

Before I write more on that, I want to say this: I happen to think that obsessing about a few pounds gained or lost is not a healthy place for women to spend their energy. I don’t believe in weighing myself every day, in “starting over” every other week on some new diet or plan to finally get to a goal weight I’ve never been able to attain. I don’t believe in skinny jeans or depriving myself of any type of food.

I believe my body is perfect no matter what size it is, that I look great when I want to look great, not when I weigh some “dream” number. I also believe that I exercise to be healthy and sane, not to drop pounds, that I eat well to keep my body functioning properly, not to stay above the yellow line (Biggest Loser reference).

It has, however, taken me years to get to this place of unconditional love and acceptance about my body and my weight. Since I decided to live this philosophy, it has helped me immeasurably in my personal life, my professional life, with my relationship – in every way. Self Love: The Brain’s Wonder Drug.

ANYWAY, I’ve gained 10 pounds. And I’m hoping to lose them because I don’t feel comfortable with them on my frame. I feel sluggish, I’ve noticed my level of fitness has diminished, I’ve noticed I’m reaching for unhealthy foods more often, I don’t feel like I fit comfortably into last summer’s clothes. And I know I can do something about that.

When I began to exercise regularly at the beginning of my weight loss journey at age 21, I did not stop doing so for eight years, more or less. I think I could count on two hands the number of weeks during that time that I didn’t work out and I’ve practiced every kind of imaginable routine. I believe exercise is fundamental for health, well-being, and if you’re trying to lose weight, it keeps your mindset in check.

So before I left my desk job, I used to daydream about the day when I’d be free to make my own schedule – I was certain it would, in part, include hours of exercise.

The exact opposite happened. I wanted to do other things instead. For the first time in almost a decade, working out took a backseat. Sure, I still exercised like I always have. But I skipped days more often, took it easy, did what I wanted to when I felt up to it. Frankly, that’s the kind of exercise routine I’d like to have for the rest of my life – a relaxed one. But in order to accommodate that without gaining weight, I would’ve needed to change my diet, and I hadn’t.

I kept eating the same things I’d been eating even though my exercise level went down. Plus, I went out with friends more, Kev and I had impromptu date nights more often. Again, that’s what I want for my life. But in order to have that, one has to make sure things are balancing out if one doesn’t want to gain weight.

So in almost 8 months of being self-employed, I’ve gained 8-10 pounds. About a pound a month of fun, relaxation and being gentle with myself. I will lose it again. But I kinda like that gained it. Does that sound weird?

It feels like I told myself it was okay to loosen the reigns a little bit, something I hadn’t done in a long time in terms of my weight. I told myself, it’s okay to live it up, eat pizza and tacos when you want to, and finally bask in this freedom that you’ve desired for so long. Now, I don’t need to bask in freedom with food and couch-time, not forever anyway. But for a little while is a-okay with me. The last time I battled a ten-pound weight gain was the year I started dating Kevin. And I didn’t truly mind gaining it then either. I enjoyed our first blissful year as a couple, dinners and drinks and all the rest, and I lost the weight the following year.

I also like it because I can always use extra practice accepting myself exactly as I am. When you are morbidly obese, you do not like yourself. I’m sure you could find people who’re exceptions to that rule, but I was not one of them. As I lost weight, I began to love myself. But I couldn’t help thinking, “Why couldn’t I offer myself this kind of respect and acceptance when I was heavy?”

This will be my third experience over the years of  “Yikes, I gained 10 pounds back” since I lost the 115. But I always lose it again, and it also always helps me practice loving myself all the time, no matter what I weigh.

So if you see me, yes those are new jeans! Because the old ones felt too snug!

I was surprised at how wobbly I was upon re-entering the weight loss game last week. I haven’t been actively trying to lose weight for a few years, so it was strange at first. But soon I felt comfortable with my old methods, habits and tricks – and here we are!

In my world, trying to lose weight doesn’t mean much other than being committed to an exercise schedule, writing down what I eat, and actually saying no to certain tempting foods, instead of “Okay, why not?” If I enjoy anything, (I mean anything besides nachos, brownies, cookies, and pizza) I genuinely enjoy the process of losing weight. I know that sounds bizarre, but I lived as someone who was actively losing weight for years and years. I’m good at it, it gives me something to do, and it can even be fun – at least in my experience.

So that’s the update. I thought you might like to know that being your own boss and working from home, although wonderful, isn’t perfect. Unexpected pitfalls do arise. This one’s mine. Frankly, it was a shock for me that this happened, but now that I recognize how my patterns have shifted, and now that I’ve decided I want to comfortably wear the shorts I bought last summer, I’m re-balancing.

Oh also, I turn 30 in ALMOST SIX MONTHS. (MOM!) So that motivation doesn’t hurt.

when one flower grows…

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I was thinking today about the phrase, “When it rains, it pours,” because this is one of the craziest week’s I’ve had in a quite some time. Beyond the planned busy schedule, which I knew about going into this week, the surprises, twists and turns keep coming too! When it rains it pours, as they say.

But our weather in New York the past few days has been spectacular bordering on surreal – it was 89 degrees today. Dare I say, it was too hot. And that’s coming from someone who probably wouldn’t notice being cooked alive until it was too late. How’s that for graphic imagery?

Anyway, raining and pouring has so little to do with the energy in NYC this week, and also so little to do with how joyful I feel about all the fun, busy energy happening in my life. So I thought instead I’d tell myself, “When one flower grows, a lot of flowers grow.” Rolls off the tongue a little less delicately, but it suits my mood just fine.

The point is, the proverbial flowers are growing this week. I wish I could tell you every detail of all of it right this instant, but I just can’t. Annoying, I know. The bottom line is that I’m busy, happy, making money and enjoying myself right now. And after a long, dark, grumpy winter, that is a welcome reality.

The next few days are going to be pretty insane – lots to get done. Lots to look forward to t00, including new stickers we’re picking up from our printer on Friday for Fanny & Jane sweet treat bags. New stickers is easily one of the best parts of the job. AND! I’m performing in the Harvard Sailing Team show this weekend – I’m taking a hiatus from my hiatus (?) to do one show this Saturday night (it’s an audition-type show for an important festival, so it’s best if we can have the whole team there). Then I’ll be back for good in June. Unless something else bubbles up…You never know!

six months later

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I wouldn’t be myself if I didn’t immediately start snapping shots of the adorable little flowers that are blooming in the front yards on our street. I squealed when I realized that colorful things were already popping out of the ground – it’s always one of my favorite sights of the year. It means we’re moving forward.

As anyone who doesn’t live under a rock probably knows, much of the country has had stunning spring weather this week. God bless it. It is supposed to be 72 degrees here today, and it’s been in the high 60′s all week long. Kevin and I sat in the park yesterday morning chatting and bickering over coffee and breakfast sandwiches from the deli and I accidentally got a little sunburn on my shoulder and arm! Guess it’s time to break out the sunblock. I am so ready.

This past week has been one of the most interesting and influential weeks I’ve experienced since I quit my job, which was just over six months ago (!). Here’s what happened. I started freelance-baking (sure, that’s a thing) on Sunday morning with a fantastic little catering company in the West Village. Better Being has been around for over 15 years, is owned by two amazing women and run by a wonderful team of talented people, and they’ve carved out an interesting niche for themselves – they cater almost all the big name fashion photo shoots in the city and have been successfully doing so for as long as they’ve been in business. They’ve never even had to advertise – they’re beloved in their community.

They recently decided to open a little take-out lunch shop as an addition to their catering business. The shop, which they’ve built out right in front of their kitchen facility, will offer organic fair trade coffee, delicious paninis and sandwiches, soups made from scratch, hot lunches, salads, and, of course, desserts. And they use some incredibly fresh, high-quality ingredients. Mmm! They had a very soft opening of the new cafe this past Monday, meaning they just opened their doors to friends and family and tried to troubleshoot while learning what to put on the shelves and how to serve the customers before officially announcing anything.

And that’s where I came in. They’ve never exactly had a formal baking department, as a company, and when I met with one of the owners this past Sunday, she explained to me that they were really hoping for someone to take over their bakery and sort of build it from the ground up – to create some signature sweets for the place and to head up the operation. She wanted to know if I was her gal.

It was an unbelievable opportunity, to say the least. I couldn’t believe it had landed in my lap. As I stood in their facility, with an entire separate kitchen dedicated just to the bakery, I imagined the possibilities and was shocked at my good fortune. This could be a great experience, I thought. I’d already told her about my own bakery, in fact it’s what attracted her to me as a prospective employee – she’d been to our website and was impressed. I’d explained to her that if I were to take on the job, I’d also still be running my own bakery and would want her to be comfortable with that. She told me she would be. We agreed to give it a try for a few days. I’d stick around and help out with the soft launch, prepping various sweets and treats for their fashion shoot lunches and for the new cafe, and after a few days, we’d both tell each other how we were feeling and if we wanted to move forward with official employment.

I was excited, but also a little nervous. I knew I could complete almost any recipe you put in front of me, but not having had any formal baking training, I was worried about what I didn’t know that I didn’t know. For a few days at least, I was going to be running this whole bakery! It was all up to me! I crossed my fingers that my skills were up to the task and that I’d be able to learn what I couldn’t already do.

More than any of that, though, I was also worried about whether or not this was the right move for my LIFE, for my bakery, for what I want for my future and the things I can see happening for Fanny & Jane. Lots of bakers and bakery owners have second jobs consulting for other restaurants or cafes. It’s not unusual for someone to own or have created their own restaurant or bakery and to be helping out another one at the same time. In fact, when she asked me for my Red Velvet Cake Bite recipe, I told her I’d be happy to offer them to her as a Fanny & Jane wholesale account, but that those were our signature item and I wasn’t comfortable taking our name off the product. She understood and agreed.

The hours at this gig, although varied, would mostly be mornings (I’d show up sometime between 7am-10am) until early afternoons (we’d finish up sometime between 2pm-5pm) and it seemed like I might have plenty of free time left over to still work on Fanny & Jane stuff too. I knew that I’d know after just a few mornings of showing up for work as Head Baker at a successful NYC restaurant, if it was the right job for me.

Turns out, it wasn’t. And before I explain why, I’ll tell you that discovering I had the ability to recognize that it wasn’t, to make that decision, and to be honest with the owners about it was incredibly reaffirming.

The job itself wasn’t bad at all. The early mornings weren’t ideal, but I got by, and the people at Better Being were fantastic. They were kind, helpful, funny, relaxed, easy to work with and very good at their jobs. The facility itself was great too. It was very clean, very well organized, and ran like a well-oiled machine, despite the addition of the cafe, which had everyone a little on edge as they tried to navigate this brand new aspect of their business. And I absolutely LOVED doing the baking. I made a chocolate sour cream cake, an olive oil cake (that turned out perfectly, if I may brag for a moment), dozens of cookies, biscotti, a range of different fancy cupcakes – a key-lime cupcake with a meringue topping and a lime curd center, a Guinness cupcake with champagne frosting, which was rather complicated to make – I even learned how to use a blow torch, something I’d never done as a baker before. I learned a ton in a few short days and got to know a lovely group of people with whom I would have never otherwise come into contact.

But it wasn’t long before I realized this was not the right fit. I was glad that the owners and I agreed to take it one day at at time before either of us committed formally. Already, after just a few days of working for someone else, I felt stifled, like I wasn’t able to do things creatively that were exciting to me, like there were certain rules I needed to follow and certain tasks I had to perform that weren’t what I wanted to be doing with my skills. And there was a lot of pressure to succeed the first time, every time.

Listen, I know that’s how having a JOB works. And I know that we don’t always get to love everything we do all the time. And, I certainly don’t want to sound ungrateful – a job opportunity is a blessing . But I don’t NEED this job in order to get by right now. And I really don’t want to settle with something like this. I wanted to see if it would be the right fit for me and for my current lifestyle, which happens to include owning and running my own bakery. And it turns out that it wasn’t. I left there every day completely exhausted and feeling almost incapable of spending more time baking for Fanny & Jane. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or do anything once I got home, and what’s worse is that I’d missed whole days of beautiful spring weather, the time of year I’ve been waiting for and daydreaming about since I left my desk job in the fall. Of course, there are days when I don’t get to do exactly what I want because I’m busy with my own work too, but in that situation, I’m my own boss, so if I decide an hour-long walk in the park will be good for productivity, that’s what I do. Understandably, working for someone else doesn’t exactly allow me that. Not to mention, I was missing working all day long on my OWN thing, creating stuff for my success and my future, rather than for someone else’s dream. On paper, this opportunity could have been the perfect fit for me right now, but in practice, it wasn’t what I was looking for.

And rather than be disappointed in myself that I didn’t love it, rather than be disappointed in fact that the experience didn’t match my pre-conceived idea of the experience, I decided to take the cues my body and brain were giving me and to tell the owners, “I’ve loved working here for the last few days, but this isn’t a long term fit.”

They were incredibly understanding and sweet about it and I left there on very good terms. One of the owners kept thanking me for being honest about what I was feeling, and for communicating it to her. The good news is, Fanny & Jane landed a wholesale account of the whole shebang because she loves our Red Velvet Cake Bites and wants to keep them as an item on their shelves. Hooray!

And speaking of Red Velvet, here are some cupcakes I made for their soft launch on Monday. They were pretty delicious, if I may say so.

I cannot tell you how rewarding it was to communicate my true and honest feelings to those people, and to not be ashamed of having those feelings! I was 100% myself at this job from the moment I walked in the door, which is not something I can say about every job I’ve ever had. I was honest with them about who I am and what my skills are, what I’m looking for and what I thought I could contribute. And my skills were certainly stretched. (I had to make something called a Pate A Bombe one day, a term I’d never heard before, which has something to do with how fast and at what temperature you whisk a sugar syrup into an egg mixture. Not that hard to do, but I definitely had to google it to find out.)

More importantly, I was honest with myself. The first moment I started to feel like this wasn’t the right move for the next year of my life, I spoke up. I don’t intend to quit every job I have from now until forever (although I am getting pretty good at giving the speech – har har), but I think I’m learning about myself that being my own boss is right up my alley. I’m also re-learning that I refuse to settle.

I could not stop myself from thinking, while winding down my last few hours at Better Being, You know, I spent a whole year writing a blog about trying to quit my desk job, trying to find the courage and the means to do so. I felt stifled and uncreative there. So I cannot get myself right back into another full time job if it’s not what I want for myself, just because it’s a little bit more aligned with my interests. A little bit more aligned does not a happy career make, necessarily. If I’m not happy right now, if this is not the right fit, I need to get out now. I don’t need to start another blog a year from now about getting up the guts to quit THIS job. (Can you tell I’ve had to give myself a lot of pep talks throughout this experience?)

Don’t get me wrong, the whole thing was fantastic, overall. I loved the people I met and worked with and I’m thrilled to supply F&J sweets to their little shop. I will definitely be going back there for coffee and lunch because every single thing I sampled was absolutely delicious.

And oh my gosh, did I ever feel like I was walkin’ on sunshine, with a huge grin spread across my face, the moment I stepped off the subway to head home on Wednesday afternoon. I’d clocked out for the last time at Better Being, just a few short days after I clocked in. And I was headed back to my fully self-employed lifestyle, to my own bakery, to my own palette and my own creative designs and to being my own boss.

We learn new stuff about ourselves and the world all the time. And this week I learned a boatload of new stuff. The most monumental of which is that I’m right where I belong.

the journey continues…

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My last saved blog draft is from Saturday night and it begins with my complaints about the horrible monsoon we were having. It moves on to note the yummy breakfast sandwich and blueberry meal I made for myself that afternoon. And then the entry stops abruptly because our cable and internet got knocked off and didn’t come back on for three days! I mean, no big deal I can get by, right? RIGHT?

Interestingly, a bunch of surprising stuff started happening that night, and has since continued, and it’s left me entirely out of the house and off the grid anyway. So I’ve barely noticed the technology outage. I’ve been working for someone else for the last few days. Doing what? Some baking! It’s not the gig from my earlier post, it’s something different entirely. The universe answered my job request like a pie to the face. And I’ve been working long hours in a new place doing new stuff and it’s craaazaaay! A little too crazy, maybe.

I’m not gonna write about it specifically yet because I’m not sure what the future holds for this employment situation. There’s a likely chance it’s a very temporary thing, I’m feeling like it might not be the right fit. And the owners and I agreed when I started working on Sunday morning that we would play it very much by ear anyway.

Mostly, I’d like to tell you that it’s been a pretty fantastic learning experience. I’ve had to be there at 7am for the last two days, meaning I have to leave  the house at 6am, meaning I have to get up before that, meaning: scary. Being up early can be tough for me. But I’ve done it. And tomorrow I don’t have to be there until 9. Sleepin in, y’all!

Even though I don’t necessarily see myself continuing this gig for much longer, I’ve certainly been enriched for having had it for even a few days. I’ve discovered things about myself in a rush and a flurry since Sunday morning when I started. The opportunity to work for this place landed in my lap and I stood around staring at my life with my mouth agape while I accepted the chance to see how it might flow.

This whirlwind has taught me a lot about my own bakery, a lot about myself and my work ethic, and more still about what I want out of my life. When I quit my desk job back in October, I was making a declarative statement, in a sense, about what I wanted for my life. But just because I made that choice last year doesn’t mean that I now get to stop defining what I want and need. So this job opportunity has given me another chance to define and redefine what I’m doing here.

This is a shot of some yummy biscotti I made at this gig. I was very proud of these. Sometimes I like biscotti and sometimes I don’t, and I don’t see myself adding any to the F&J menu any time soon. But it was fun to practice the recipe. I’ve gotten to practice making lots of things in the last couple days.

What a wild ride this remains to be.

If anything, this experience has shaken me out of a little winter rut I was in. If I’m being honest, for a few weeks there I was feeling bored, uninspired, confused, worried and unmotivated. That was scary, because those were also feelings I was having when I was working in an office and dreading my weekdays. So why on earth should I be feeling that when I’m happily running my own business and enjoying a flexible schedule? Well, we are not our circumstances and we make our own happiness. That’s why. I’m reminded of that every day.

I’m excited to have woken up, literally and figuratively, over the last couple days and enjoyed a gentle reminder of who I am and what I want.

p.s. CATS

new shoes?

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I miss having money!

The bakery did very well over the holidays so my income didn’t change much at all in the months after I left my job. The bakery is still doing well, but it’s not the holiday season right now, which is always the most lucrative time of year for a bakery. So I’m now trying to make ends meet. And I miss having expendable income! Having a salary was fun. I didn’t care for everything that came with it, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to missing it now that it’s gone. I was marveling the other day that there was once a time when I was receiving regular and relatively large sums of money (a paycheck) with complete predictability. That was nice.

Opening a business is a different animal than working at a job that gives you a salary.

I wouldn’t change anything, don’t get me wrong. I’m still loving running Fanny & Jane. I enjoy the baking very much, I enjoy all the aspects of it, really. But I’ve decided to get another job in addition to operating the bakery so that making ends meet is even easier. I wanna have fun with money again! I wanna buy shoes sometimes! Right now, a splurge feels irresponsible. If I had additional income, a splurge might feel deserved. I also wouldn’t feel so guilty about eating dinner out sometimes, or taking a few trips this year.

So, tonight, I went on an interview! The reason it was at night is because it was for a late night shift of – what else – baking! I interviewed and had a trial-run to be a part-time batter maker for another bakery. I had fun! Should they call to offer me the job, I don’t plan to take it because the pay is just not enough, the hours are a little nutty and it involves coming home very very late at night from a kind of sketchy section of Brooklyn, something I’m just not comfortable doing.

So the search for the part time job continues. But having the interview itself was a blast. I got to bake for an hour in a big kitchen, making gigantic batches of cake – batches much larger than we ever make for Fanny & Jane. I loved it and it reaffirmed for me how much I enjoy baking and also how much I enjoy being active while I’m working.

I’ve decided that the key to my getting this job is lifestyle compatibility. How compatible will the job be with my current lifestyle. It’s important to me that I don’t make any rushed choices and end up with a job I dislike, with hours that aren’t good for me, in a neighborhood that’s far away. That’s exactly the job I just came from last fall. So I’m focusing on interviewing for stuff that I can really see myself enjoying, doing well and something that will fit into the life I’m still building. The bakery remains a huge priority, obviously.

So let’s see what comes my way! My interview tonight was an exciting reminder of the possibilities available to me right now. Including the possibility of new pants or a new scarf.

mom, you’ll love this!

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My dad has spent the last ten or more years doing a ton of genealogy research on our family and on the families in the town where my mom, my dad and I were all born, Quincy, Illinois. Just today he sent everyone a bunch of old photos online.

And along with lots of fascinating pictures of family members from my dad’s side, and lots of interesting scans of obituaries from old newspapers, there was this image. It’s a page from a book with photos of a grocery store, a store that was owned by my mother’s side of the family. I was surprised to see this among all the other photos, since there was no other information in my dad’s collection about my mom’s side of the family.

The first sentence on the page says, “E.F. Schullian’s Market was a popular grocery store at 20th and Chestnut for many years. In the 1902 photo seen at the right, Ed Schullian is seen on his store’s steps.” And then it goes on to describe how Ed Schullian continued to build onto the store, including adding a second story in 1908.

The book doesn’t say this, but 25 years after that second story was added, my grandmother would be born and would live her entire childhood on that very second floor!

When I saw my family in DC, my mom and grandma talked for a bit about my great grandmother, Ruth Morris’ store and the home that was above the store. My great grandma died when I was 7, so I remember her and interacted with her often when I was a little kid, even though she was well into her nineties by the time I was old enough to be aware. I’ve always known that my great grandmother owned a grocery store. The store and the house above it are part the story of this family.

The store had been passed down to Ruth by her dad, and by the Schullian family. Ruth then ran the store and lived with her children and their nanny, Helen, on the second floor.

When my mom went to see her grandmother as a little kid, she’d go over to the store, the same one in the picture. It was still open over sixty years after that photo of Ed Schullian was taken in 1902. My mom would spend time with her Grandmother Ruth Morris and with Helen, who a part of our family.

Seeing this picture and all the other pictures of my ancestors today was such a cool experience. I will have to thank my dad for sharing this stuff with me. It was interesting to reflect on the fact that my great great (?) grandfather built, owned and ran a successful grocery store, and passed it down to his children and grandchildren. Maybe there’s something to my getting into this bakery business and this life I’m building. Maybe it makes sense that I’m trying to work for myself and earn my living on my own terms, just the way my ancestors did.

a sunny monday!

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I woke up this morning to see the sun streaming in our front door, and I instantly turned the TV on to check the temp. Mid-fifties and rising! I could not be happier about this.

It was a beautiful weekend here in NYC, sunny and warmer than it’s been in recent weeks, but to wake up on a Monday to bright blue skies and temps even warmer than the weekend – well, that’s my jam right there. I hate to think that I’m so impacted by the weather that I lose a solid two months at the beginning of every year to the doldrums, but that’s just the reality. This spring-like weather makes me ridiculously happy. I feel hopeful, I feel inspired, I am focused on what’s possible rather than on what needs to get done. It’s amazing how that works.

I plan to go for a walk/jog in the park in a few minutes, after I finish this post, finish the Fanny & Jane books (I do the books on Mondays) and throw on some exercise clothes. But when I woke up, I knew I couldn’t wait until I was finished with those tasks to get into the sunshine. So I had breakfast on our stoop.

The sun shines down onto the front of our house for most of the day, which is a lucky thing for a girl who likes to sit on her front stoop. It’s not even 60 degrees out there, but I had breakfast wearing only a tshirt and jeans. It was heavenly!

Fair trade coffee from Trader Joe’s…

And a spinach smoothie with banana, soy milk and flax seed.

And look who joined me for some sunbathing!

Chawser LOVES to hang out on the stoop with us when it’s warm out. We’ll open the door a bit and he’ll venture out at his own pace. We’ve (miraculously) trained him to only stay on the stoop, not to go off onto the driveway or the surrounding gardens. I’m sure if we weren’t out there to regulate him, he’d dart off in whatever direction, but he will sit right next to me for as long as I’ll let him. It was so nice to have a breakfast mate.

My other breakfast mates were two succulents that I have managed to make ill with my incredibly inept green thumb. I was hoping the sun would inspire them back to health. I thought you weren’t supposed to be able to kill these things!

Nothing whatsoever is perfect in my world and I have constant stresses and worries, but this day makes it all seem a little bit simpler. Also? Days like this are why I quit my job. Because I would wake up back then, and head into work, enjoying the heck out of my commute for its amazing views of the city from the Manhattan Bridge, for its ten-minute walk from the subway to the office through a bustling, energizing midtown Manhattan. And then I’d always feel my heart sink a little as I walked into the dark, gloomy office, knowing that I wouldn’t re-emerge for nine hours. And as much as I loved the salary, I always thought, This is not a reasonable trade-off for me. This is not good enough.

Today, even though I have a To Do list ten miles long, a budget to worry about, a bank account I’d love to add a few more zeros to, and an all-around imperfect life, I’m thrilled to get to go for a jog in the spring weather, on MY schedule, when I feel like it. Imperfection is perfect today.

happiness is a state of mind

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9

I’ve been thinking a lot about this entry today, the one I wrote the day I quit my job.

I’ve been thinking about how much has changed for me since September 1, 2009.

My life is no longer monotonous like it was back then.

And I’ve decided to start standing up to the people that have chosen to judge me.

I spend more time doing the things I love, like taking yoga class more often, going for walks and jogs when the mood strikes me, and spending more time with my friends.

I’ve also had to continue to make tough decisions, like taking a break from my beloved sketch comedy group because I know it’s the best thing for me right now. And dealing with the unnecessary guilt that accompanies a choice like that.

I’ve confronted incredible challenges with my new business, the bakery Fanny & Jane. And learned a lot about what it means to be a small business owner, someone who works for herself and makes her own schedule – things I dreamed about having before I had them, and things I sometimes now wish I could trade back in for just a day.

I’ve also been blessed with exciting success and progress on this company’s journey. Those little steps boost me up every day. And every time I get an email from someone who’s sampled and loved our stuff, or every time we land a new account, attract a new customer, or come up with a smart new marketing idea, I feel inspired and re-invigorated. I don’t have kids, but I can only imagine, as I’ve said before, that starting a new business probably feels, in some small (and much less significant) way, challenging, terrifying, exciting and rewarding in a similar fashion.

But more than all of that stuff, more than the lessons, the joys, the mornings of sleeping in, the evenings of staying out late, the days of eating lunch on my own schedule, more than the excitement and stress of being the captain of my own ship, I have learned one singular thing that stands above everything else:

That old job, that desk job that I blogged for months about leaving, and planned for weeks to escape from, did not make me happy. NOR did it make me unhappy.

Only I control my happiness. My circumstances do not.

I knew that all along, but it’s been really hammered home for me in these last several months during which I”ve been “living the dream,” so to speak.

I am just as occasionally grouchy and stressed out as I was then. I am just as occasionally joyful for no reason and excited about the little things as I was then. I have different stressors now, and I have different challenges. I struggle with different issues and different concerns. I also have new sources of contentment and some of the same old ones.

In essence: I am the exact same person. I just wear pajamas more often. I am just as happy, sad, confused, eager, frustrated, conflicted and optimistic as I always was.

Is that disappointing to hear? I hope not. It’s the truth. The truth is what we all know to be true – happiness is a state of mind.

Duh.

march

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I watched the season finale of The Bachelor last night, after not having seen a moment of the show all season long. And while I watched, I uploaded some photos from our DC trip to this here blog so y’all could see what we did! Except then something went awry, the photos didn’t save, and those are two hours I can never get back. (Because of the photo debacle AND because of The Bachelor.)

We had a fantastic trip – it was ideal. Kevin and I met my mom, grandma and step dad at our hotel on Friday night. They’d flown in from Chicago for the weekend and we’d bus’d down from NYC, having just barely gotten out of the city in the midst of a crazy snowstorm. We had a blast traveling around the DC area together, seeing the sites, enjoying their bars and restaurants and stuffing ourselves into the back of cabs to get from place to place.

The Harvard Sailing Team show at The Kennedy Center was fantastic! There were over 500 people in our audience! I could not believe it – we’d certainly never performed for that large of a crowd before. It’s a whole different animal, doing a sketch comedy show for hundreds of people instead of the 60 that can fit into The PIT, the theater where we perform our weekly show in NYC. We had a great time and felt good about our performance.

It was the perfect little weekend trip and I was so glad to get to experience it with my family. It was a great way to spend time together – exploring another city in a whirlwind weekend.

But, of course, as soon as we sat down on the bus to head home, I started to feel like I was coming down with something. And now I have a full blown head and chest cold that has me feeling pretty miserable.

So I’m playing it safe and taking the week off from baking for Fanny & Jane. You can never be too careful or too clean when you work with food.

One of the best aspects of the DC trip was how I felt when I got back to New York, my ailment aside, of course. I was grateful to have had a weekend of drinking, eating and playing, but I also felt really ready to embrace Monday, March 1 with open arms.

I am not a winter person. I like the way the snow looks, I like the festive feeling of the holidays, but I really hate the cold and I really hate the often-dreariness and I really hate that it’s not spring or summer. Period. January and February are always difficult months for me. I don’t feel motivated, I sleep a lot, and I am drawn to heavy, fatty foods. I know I’m not the only person that experiences that and it’s no secret that the colder temps and the lack of sunshine does a real number on people every year. I’m definitely one of those people.

So March 1 is always a welcome date in my world. I know that I won’t wake up that morning to instantly warmer weather, chirping birds or blooming flowers, but it’s at least one step closer to those things.

I went to sleep early on Sunday night, exhausted from the busy weekend (during which I drank a lot of alcohol!), and feeling sickly, and so I decided to use that opportunity to get up early on Monday morning, something I’ve struggled with since I quit my job back in October. I set the alarm, made a list of the things I wanted to accomplish with my Monday, and made sure we had coffee to brew.

As much as I’m a natural night owl, I do find I get more accomplished and generally feel better about my productivity level when I get up earlier. So on Monday I woke up early, got my day underway and was able to get a lot of business stuff done. Plus, I even did my taxes! And went to the grocery store! Impressive, if I do say so myself. I also went for a jog in the balmy 47 degree weather and did a little yoga in the living room. It was a good day and I felt like it kicked my March off right.

This month also begins my three-month hiatus from Harvard Sailing Team, a decision I made a few weeks ago and blogged about here. As much as I’m going to miss the team and doing weekly shows with them, this was the right decision for my life right now.

Interestingly, I was looking at my planner on Sunday night, thinking about the week ahead, and I felt a bit of anxiety when I realized I didn’t have any obligations on Tuesday night OR on Saturday night, two nights during which I’ve historically been busy with HST. Having that time to myself (and to focus more on the business) during the upcoming three months is exactly why I decided to take this break, but when confronted with the reality of those extra hours, I felt a bit panicked. What am I going to do with that time? What if I’m lonely or bored or don’t have as much to get done as I thought I did? What if I feel isolated or like I don’t have any friends? You don’t have to come up with ways to spend your time when it’s already decided for you. This Tuesday/Saturday commitment has been a staple of my schedule for years and years. And I suddenly have that time back to myself for three months. WHO AM I NOW?!

And that, my friends, is exactly why I need this break. To find out what the hell I will do with that time when it’s totally up to me. It’s just two nights a week, but in many ways it’s much more than that for me. It takes up mental space and it gives me an excuse to put other things off. If there was something else in my life that I could have taken a hiatus from for three months in order to free up two nights a week without penalty, I would have. But there wasn’t anything else that would have allowed that right now. I’m lucky that this group of people is supportive and understanding enough to provide me this opportunity and that I’ll be able to go back  to it when the three months is over.

In the meantime, I’ve started to curb my anxiety about not having a standing Tuesday/Saturday evening activity. Maybe I’ll write more, maybe I’ll do nothing, maybe my business mindset with flourish and I’ll start coming up with brilliant ways to make millions. The possibilities are endless. My Aunt Lisa, a very wise lady, once told me, “Sometimes you have to leave a space in your life empty for a little while before you discover what will take its place.” Very true. She’s very smart. Then again, she also gets lost on her way home from Starbucks, so maybe I should take her advice with a grain of salt. ;) (Love you, Lise.)

Speaking of my Aunt Lisa, she gifted me these gorgeous flowers last week with a card that told me to “Break a leg!” at The Kennedy Center. I love them!!

Happy March, everybody.