what dreams may come

I had a dream last night that I was nine months pregnant. I’m definitely not pregnant, no. I’m just one of those women who occasionally has very vivid dreams about various stages of pregnancy. I know there are plenty of women out there who never dream about it, but I also know there are plenty of women who do, and I’m one of them. I always have been. I’ve had every kind of pregnancy dream imaginable, and it’s been happening for as long as I can remember.

Anyway, last night I dreamed I was nine months pregnant and that it was finally the exact day of my due date. I’d never had a baby before so I had no idea what to expect. And although I felt very large and immobile, I didn’t feel the slightest rumbling of labor. Physically, I felt totally and exactly the same as I had throughout the last few weeks of the pregnancy. But emotionally, I was anxious, excited and eager to have this damn baby already.

In the dream, I was hanging out with my family, my mom and Uncle Kel and my cousins. And we were all just sort of passing the time, waiting for this baby to come. They were playing cards, chatting, eating, I was resting and waddling around the apartment and anxiously asking everyone when the baby was coming and if we should go to the hospital so that they could check on my progress, or lack thereof. I became convinced that I was going to be one of those women who remained pregnant well past her due date – that I wasn’t going to have this baby and be relieved of this uncomfortable, beached-whale feeling for weeks and weeks. I was distressed, nervous, frustrated and worried about the timeline. I just wanted to have the baby and be done with it! And I felt huge.

I woke up realizing I wasn’t pregnant, which is always a surprise to me when I wake up from a pregnancy dream. You mean, I’m not pregnant?! Weird! I was just totally pregnant! All these baby dreams throughout my life have convinced me that I already know, viscerally, what it will feel like to be pregnant because of how vivid these dreams are. (I’m probably way off, but I guess I won’t find out until I find out.)

Kevin’s on his way to Toronto this morning for an improv festival, and he’ll be gone until late Sunday night. He left early this morning before I was awake, so I sent him a text message when I woke up to say good morning and to tell him that I’d had a wildly vivid nine-month preggo dream. You know, just to freak him out and remind him why he’s glad to be going out of town for the weekend.

He wrote back and said, “Kylene’s interpretation would be that you’re waiting to get out of that office and have your creative life finally be reborn.” Kylene, my mom, is a vivid dreamer too. Personally, I think it’s a genetic trait that she passed onto me. As Kevin has witnessed, my mom and I often discuss our detailed, complicated dreams, trying to decipher what they could mean.

On a whim, and probably because I still felt really connected to the dream, I googled “pregnancy dreams” when I got to work this morning and almost every site I found said exactly what Kevin suggested: Dreams about being pregnant indicate a “new growth in your life and growing creativity.”  Also, “pregnancy often represents a new event about to take place in your life, a new creation of yours, or a rebirth of yourself.” I also read that how you feel about being pregnant in the dream, and the circumstances surrounding you, are also supposed to indicate how you feel about the personal rebirth or growth in your life.

In the dream, I felt excited and nervous about having a baby, but I was mostly just anxious to finally move onto the next chapter of my life was a new mom. More than anything else, though, I felt like I was going to be stuck in those final stages of pregnancy forever, like I was in pregancy pergatory and although the end may have been near, it certainly didn’t feel like it. I felt stuck in a state of immovable forever.

I realized when I sat down to write this post that today, September 25, was originally supposed to be my last day at the desk job. When I gave notice at the beginning of the month, I’d planned for today to be my last day, I’d even scheduled a doctor’s appointment in the middle of a workday next week because I hadn’t planned to be working here after today.

And then it ended up that I was going to continue working here until October 16, which was partially my decision. I could have gotten out of it and been gone by today if I wanted to, but I chose not to. It wasn’t a horrible decision, because three more weeks of work really isn’t the end of the world. And it means another paycheck, much of which I’m going to be able to tuck into my little savings account for a rainy day.

But, extra paycheck aside, it kinda sucks to be stuck here well past what feels like my expiration date. I will certainly rejoice when October 16 finally rolls around, probably more so than I would have rejoiced if today were my last day, because I will be so beyond ready to say goodbye to this place forever and ever. I’ve had to laugh lately, as I get ready in the morning and imagine that I’m going to spend yet another day trapped indoors doing mundane office work, because if I don’t chuckle about it, I’m going to kill someone.

It’s like when you finally decide to move out of an apartment you don’t like anymore – during the last few weeks that you live in that apartment, you want to get out of there more than ever before. You’ve finally made the decision to make a change and now you’re really allowing yourself to feel how much you’ve disliked these circumstances – this leaky faucet, this running toilet, the lack of direct sunlight, the tiny closet space – when before, you didn’t mind these circumstances quite so much. It was your home and you made do. But now that you will be moving to a better home, you’re really ready to make the change.

Well I’m noticing the leaky faucets at my desk job more than ever before. I’m noticing (or re-noticing) how unmotivated I feel when I sit here all day long, how the simplest tasks take the greatest effort because I generally feel so uninspired and disconnected. I’m noticing how dark it is in this stupid lobby and how boring it can be to do the same things day in and out. I’m also noticing that the internet can suck your brain dry.

I laid in bed last night before falling asleep and I daydreamed about all the big (and small) ideas I have for not only generating income in the coming months, but also for transforming my life into one where I’m self-employed doing the things that I love. I always have the richest, most productive brainstorms about this kind of thing right before I fall asleep. I guess my plans and my eagerness to make them all realities were absorbed into my subconscious last night, because I certainly dreamed about being in a state of anxious, almost-new-life. Eeeek! It’s exciting. And it’s rewarding to know that even in sleep, I’m gearing up for this new way of living.