Although it’s only been two weeks since I took the plunge and quit my job, it seems like much more time has passed. I still believe it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made and I generally feel more open to what’s possible than I was before. There is such a difference between talking about doing something and actually doing it.

I’ve come to realize through conversations with friends and even conversations with my boss, that there really are artistic/creatively-minded people in the world who simply aren’t cut out to work in non-creative environments. I also do believe that almost anything can be classified as creative and almost everybody is creative in one way or another – that all human beings long to express themselves creatively, whether that be in traditionally creative ways like painting or dancing or drawing, or other ways that aren’t so obvious. We use our brains in creative ways all the time.

However, there are certain people whose need for a specifically artistic outlet is almost as involuntary as breathing – people who are so drawn to artistic expression that they wouldn’t actually be able to recognize their lives without it. I used to roll my eyes at this idea, that there could be a “need” to create art – even the word “artist” sometimes makes me feel weird. I do have to humbly admit that I am one, though. For whatever it’s worth.

The bottom line, for me personally, is that I’ve been a less-than-perfect employee at almost every single office or retail job I’ve ever had. I haven’t been a bad employee in most instances, I just haven’t “lived up to my potential,” or done the work “I’m capable of doing,” (just like I didn’t do in math class in high school). As I’ve said a hundred times on this blog before, these kinds of jobs are not my thing. I don’t respond to them, I don’t like them, and I feel I can’t really be myself at them. Maybe that’s my own fault, but where ever the blame can be placed doesn’t matter. I have felt guilt, shame and defensiveness about not being into these kinds of jobs for as long as I can remember.

Conversely, I’ve never once in my entire life had those negative sorts of feelings about creative “jobs.” Every artistic endeavor, from performing, to writing, to teaching or coaching comedy groups, to baking has felt completely natural to me. I’m always happy to participate, I always feel like I can be myself in those environments, and I’m never a bad employee. It could certainly be argued that this is because those kinds of jobs are “easy.” But they’re not, really. They’re easy when you love them, yes. But I would imagine they’re scary and hard in the eyes of someone who has no interest in performing or writing or any of the rest of it. In the same way a job as a mathematician would be terrifying to me, a job as a performer or a writer might be terrifying to someone else.

So now that I’ve re-established for the umpteenth time that I’m not cut out for the office (do you get the sense I’m telling myself more than I’m telling you?), what the hell am I specifically going to do when I leave this job??

First of all, my last day at the office has changed. It’s actually going to be October 16. One month from today! Yes, it supposed to be at the end of September but now it will be October 16. It’s a long story but that’s the deal. It’s a good thing – it will give me two more weeks to organize my life post-desk-job and that’s just fine. I’m back up at the reception desk for this last month and I’m able to get a lot of my personal work done during the day. The extra time, frankly, is sort of a relief, since I think it will go a long way to helping me feel more prepared for this transition.

I’m saving my pennies and I will have a nice little nest egg built up when I leave here. It’s not much, but it’s enough that I will feel relatively secure for a little while. I’m so incredibly proud that I’ve been able to do that, as I’ve been notoriously bad with my money in past lives.

In terms of what I will actually do with myself and my time the first day I no longer work here: Well. We’ll see! I get giddy and butterflies-in-the-tummy like a little kid when I think of it. The idea that my time will be my own, the idea that I will be able to wake up, do some yoga if I feel like it or take a walk if I feel like it, cook myself a big breakfast, or a small breakfast, travel into the city if need be, lay on the couch and write if need be, do laundry in the middle of the day if need be, go to the market every single day to make fresh, simple meals – it’s all thrilling. The options are endless and I’m so eager to find out how I will end up spending my time.

At first, I plan to give myself a week “off.” I want to get to know myself in a no-obligation environment because I’m not sure I have any true idea of how I will feel and behave with that kind of freedom. It’s almost terrifying. Except that it’s awesome.

And after a week of basically doing nothing so important, a week of “vacationing,” if you will, I’m going to start actively pursuing work that I’m passionate about, as though it were my full time day job. I’m going to start writing more, I’m going to maybe seek out more performance opportunities, I’m going to say yes to interesting projects that come my way, I’m going to brainstorm and daydream and follow-through on my ideas, I’m going to continue to build the bakery and perhaps actively seek out more clients (The dozens and dozens of orders Faryn and I have done so far have all been from word of mouth – everyone has come to us! It will be interesting to see how the business will grow if and when we start going after the orders.), I’m going to keep myself mentally and physically tended to, because that stuff is so important to me, I’m going to tend to my home, to our kitchen, to feeding Kevin and my bellies with fresh, healthy food, I’m going to perform in my comedy shows and enjoy the hell out of it. And after a month or so of that sort of full time work, I’ll reassess and see where I’ve landed.

It might mean getting a part time job around the holidays, or it might not. I’m leaving myself open to any and all possibilities and I’m not closing any doors. The fact that I’ll be able to live this way at all, even if it’s only for a little while (though I’m anticipating it being much longer than a little while) is such a gift and a blessing.

My best, novice advice to someone who wants to create this kind of opportunity for themselves is to start saving your money NOW. I started this savings account in January of 2008, so almost two years ago. And I’ve been putting a meager $50 into it every month. Nothing more, nothing less. $50. I didn’t know at the time that it would be my desk-job-escape fund. I was just saving to save. And as the months passed and my daydream to leave my desk job turned into a reality, I started seeing that little savings account as my ticket out of here. I’ve found other ways to pad it up since then, cutting corners (with the envelope method!), taking a second look at some old taxes and finding a bunch of a money that’s owed to me by the IRS, avoiding buying big ticket items right now because I just don’t need them as much as I need and want to live a life more suited to me – and now it’s all added up in such a way that I feel responsible and able to make this transition.

It’s going to be scary, it’s going to be uncertain, but it’s actually happening. I still can’t believe it’s true.